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Jokes part 83
A teacher was helping her student with a math problem.
She recited the following story : "There are three birds
sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one of the birds. How
many birds are left on the wire?"
The boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully. "No,
no, no. Let's try again," the teacher says patiently.
She holds up three fingers. "There are three birds
sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one," she puts down
one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?"
"None," the boy says with authority. The teacher sighs.
"Tell me how you came up with that."
"It's simple," says the boy, "after the hunter shot one
bird, he scared the other two away."
"Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but I
like the way you think."
"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question.
There are three women sitting on a bench eating
popsicles. One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman
is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle.
Which one is married?" he asked innocently.
The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and writhed
in agony, turning three shades of red.
"C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "one is licking the
popsicle, one is biting, and one is sucking. Which one
is married?"
"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper
replied, "the one who's sucking?"
"No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding
ring on. But I like the way you think."
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A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before
heading to town to do some business.
"That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to
inseminate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the right
stall so's you know which one I want him to impregnate."
Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could
understand the instructions, the farmer left for town.
That afternoon, the "Inseminator" arrives, and the wife
dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall
with the nail.
"There's the nail so this is the cow right here." she tells him.
"What's the nail for?" the guy asks.
Replies the wife, "I guess its to hang up your pants."
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An elderly retired couple were driving down the East coast,
when they stopped in Georgia for a fuel stop. The elderly
woman was very hard of hearing, and usually asked her husband
to repeat everything.
An elderly station attendant came to the car and started
filling the fuel tank. Making idle talk, he asked if the man
liked the weather, to which the man replied, "very much".
What'd he say?, asked the woman. "He asked if I like the
weather, and I told him yes", replied her husband.
"Where are you-all headed", asked the attendant. "Oh, we're
going to Jacksonville", he replied.
"What'd he say?", asked the woman. "He asked where we're going,
and I told him to Jacksonville", the husband replied.
"Where are you-all from", inquired the attendant a few moments
later. "Oh, we're from Indiana," the man replied.
"Ah, I was in Indiana for two years", replied the attendant. In
fact, I dated a girl from Indiana while I was there. It didn't
last long though. I have to tell you, this girl was the worst in
bed of any girl I ever knew."
"What'd he say?" inquired the woman.
"He said he thinks he knows you," replied her husband
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Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag,
but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the
green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other
somehow had gone directly in.
They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both
using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club
House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.
After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb
shots under such adverse conditions he asked, "OK, so who was playing the
yellow ball ?"
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Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying
a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the
exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband
wants me to ask you..."
"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a
reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked
that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the
pregnancy."
"No, that's not it at all." Brenda confessed. "He
wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
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While away at a convention, an executive happened
to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent.
When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room,
he found out she had a superb body as well.
Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to
perform.
On his first night home, the executive walked from the
shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a
rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed,
munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie
magazine.
Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent
erection. Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you
ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why
they call you a prick!"
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A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He
lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of on-lookers gathers
around.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman
checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any
kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.
Then out of the crowd steps a little old man dressed shabbily and of
at least eighty years of age.
"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a
Catholic. But for fifty years now I've been living behind St.
Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm
listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to
this man."
The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to
where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured
man and says slowly in a solemn voice:
"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72..."
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A woman is drying herself after a shower when she
suddenly slips and lands spread-legged on the
bathroom floor. She tries to stand up but she
has landed so hard her crotch has stuck to the
floor, creating such a vacuum that she can't move.
She calls out to her husband for help. He tries
with all his strength to lift her but she won't
budge. So he goes next door and gets his neighbour.
Both pull like oxen but she just won't move. She's
well and truly stuck to the floor.
Suddenly the neighbour says, "Why don't we just get
a hammer and break the floor tiles around her and
lift her up that way?"
"Great idea," says the husband, "but just let me rub
her boobs a little to arouse her." "Why?" asks the
confused neighbour.
"So I can slide her into the kitchen. The tiles are
cheaper in there."
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