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Jokes part 84
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over
the bar which read:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he
walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three
exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks
to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I
help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the
one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am."
The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I
want a cheese sandwich!"
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One afternoon, Rastus came home earlier than usual.
He found Liza on the bed, sleeping naked.
He goes over to the dresser drawer and takes out
his straight razor and sharpening hone. He slowly
begins sharpening the razor.
Liza wakes up, and, startled, asks nervously:
"Rastus...uh-uh-whuh-whuh-whuhfo is you sha'penin'
dat razoo fo'?"
Rastus eyes her, and keeps on sharpening.
Liza, panicking, asks again: "Rastus! Ansa me!
Why is you sha'penin' dat razoo?"
Rastus very carefully keeps drawing the razor over
the hone, and answers: "If dat spot on de sheet
drys soft, I'se goan shave....."
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A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed
a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her
size. She entered an upscale department store and
approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have
a size 28AAAA bra?"
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she
left the store and proceeded to another department
store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.
After a third try at another department store in the
mall, she had become disgusted.
Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up
to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open
her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"
The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you
tried Clearasil?"
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A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I
feel really good today. I started out this morning with
an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a twenty dollar
bill to a bum."
"You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That's a lot of
money to just give away. What did your husband say about
it?"
"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said,
'Thanks.'"
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A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and
once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins.
One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement.
"Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the
scene, what happened?"
"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the
mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his
pocket and light up."
"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator
said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the
company?"
"About 20 years, sir"
"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a
matchin the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have
been the last thing he'd have done."
"It was, sir."
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It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a
busy intersection.
Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed
to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man
emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all
right honey, I've had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and
prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she
tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part
about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
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