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Jokes part 100 *anniversary edition*
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in
the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The
bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's
too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the
Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being
cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we
can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss
the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
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A man goes to consult a famous specialist about his
medical problem. "How much do I owe you?"
"My fee is fifty dollars," replies the physician.
"Fifty dollars? That's impossible."
"In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I
could adjust my fee to thirty dollars."
"Thirty dollars for one visit? Ridiculous."
"Well, then, could you afford twenty dollars?"
"Who has so much money?"
"Look," replies the doctor, growing irritated, "Just
give me five dollars and be gone."
"I can give you two dollars." says the man. "Take it
or leave it."
"I don't understand you," says the doctor."Why did
you come to the most expensive doctor in This
Friggin' town?"
"Listen, Doctor," says the patient. "When it comes
to my health, nothing is too expensive."
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On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go
to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all
showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband
says, "my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is
astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are
so beautiful, let me take your picture."
Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?"
He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to
my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into
the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do
you wear a robe? We are married now." at that the man opens
his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a
picture".
He beams and asks, "why?"
She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!
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A husband went to work at 9 in the morning as usual.
For some reason he had to be back home later during
the day while running some errands. When he entered
the house, he was surprised to see his wife in bed
with a man whose head was between her breasts. The
husband demanded, "What on earth are you doing?"
The stranger stammered, "I'm listening to music!"
The husband shoved the stranger aside and said, "Let
me listen."
He also between her breasts. He exclaimed suspiciously,
"I can't hear any damn music."
"Of course not," quipped the stranger, "You're not
plugged in!"
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A poor Jamaican fisherman was shipwrecked on a
desert island. He had lost his boat, his
livelihood and possessions. He was trudging
round the island in a dejected mood when he
came across an old brass lamp washed up on the
beach. Remembering the tale of Aladdin (and
the role of magic lamps in jokes) he rubbed it.
POOF! A Genie appeared. A Jewish Genie.
"Vey!" he said. "Am I glad to be outta there.
Three hundred years I bin in that thing, my
life and soul! What can I do for you my boy?"
The Jamaican asked if the Genie granted wishes.
"Wishes, Schmishes! Course I do. I'll grant
you two wishes, used to be three but I gotta
think about my margins"
"Well," said the Jamaican after some
consideration "I'd like to be white and surrounded
by women."
"No problem" said the Genie,
POOF! - the Jamaican was transformed into a tampon.
Moral: Never do business with a Jewish Genie -
there's always a string attached.
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A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe
of natives how to farm and build things to be
self-sufficient gets word that he is to return
home.
He realizes that the one thing he never taught
the natives was how to speak English, so he takes
the chief and starts walking in the forest. He
points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is
a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the padre points to
a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the
results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As
he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the
midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is
really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his
blow gun and kills them both.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that
he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be
civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just
kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
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There was this little black boy that was playing
in the kitchen. He got into the flour and got it
all over the kitchen and covered himself in it
from head to toe. So then he goes to show his
mom and says "Mommy, mommy look at me, i'm a
white boy now!."
His mother looks at him, whacks him round the
head with a rolling pin, and says "You stupid
little boy, Go and show your father what you've
done."
So the little boy goes to his father as proudly
as can be and says "Daddy, daddy look at me, i'm
a white boy now!"
His father gets all mad and slaps him around the
head with the newspaper and says "You stupid
little boy, Now go and show your grandmother
what you did"
So he goes and shows his grandma, "Grandma,
Grandma! Look at me, i'm a white boy now!"
She gets very angry and says "Look at you, you
are a bad little boy." Then she whacks him on
the head with her walking stick and thensays
"Now go to your room and think about what you did"
So the little boy walks sadly to his room and slams
the door behind him. He is thinking about the
incident when his mother walks in and asks him, "So
have you thought about what you did"
The little boy looks up to her and says very matter
of factly "Yes I did"
The mother interested to hear his response says,
"And...."
The little boy then answers, "Well I've only been
white for fifteen minutes and I already hate ******s"
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An old waiter who had worked at a restaurant since it had
opened, suddenly passed away.
His heartbroken wife, torn with grief, was swamped with
advice from relatives and friends eager to help.
She was urged to see fortune-tellers, spiritualists,
magicians and cultists. She was told to attend séances
where they communicate with the dead. But all these things
proved disappointing, and she was getting progressively
worse. Finally, her cousin came up with an idea.
"I've heard," he said, "that if you want to speak to a dead
person, you have to go to the place where he spent most of
his time."
Having tried everything else, the wife decided to go to the
restaurant and try out this theory. She sat down at a
table and started calling her husband. "Seymour," she
asked, "can you hear me?" "Of course I can hear you," came
the low but clear reply. "Seymour, can you speak louder?"
"No."
"Well then," pleaded his wife, "come a little closer."
"Can't."
"Well, who not?"
"Because that's not my table!"
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A stranger came to Washington, D.C., to get a job with the
new computer operation being developed by the Federal
Government. "Do you have any need for a typist?" he asked.
The personnel director checked the list. "No, we don't need
typists."
"How about a filing clerk?"
The personnel director checked the list again. "No, he
said, 'no clerks!"
The stranger, in disgust, muttered out loud, "Well, I'm a
cope."
"Okay," said the personnel director. "We need two of those.
Report at the office in the morning!"
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