A university writing class was asked to write an essay that contained religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The winning entry read: "My God!," gasped the Queen, "I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it?"

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A man was going to the dentist to get some teeth pulled. The dentist was about to give the man some local anesthesia to numb the pain.

"Don't give me any drugs doc, I can take the pain." the man said.

The doctor pulled the first tooth out and the man just grunted. Then the doctor attempted to pull the second tooth, only this one snapped in half. But again the man just grunted.

"Wow, that sure is a lot of pain just to grunt at, have you ever felt pain like that before?" asked the amazed dentist.

"Well, twice actually." said the man, "The first time was when I was out in the woods and had to take a crap really bad. I pulled down my pants and jumped over this log. Just then a bear trap closed on my balls and I started running...."
"Damn that must have hurt." the dentist interrupted.
"What was the second time?"

"Oh, that would have been when the bear trap came to the end of it's chain."

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Walking into a bar one night, a man yelled out, "Who's the strongest in here?"
A huge man stands up and thumps his own chest. "I am the strongest!"

"Great!" the first man said. "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"

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A bartender asks a guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"

"A scotch, please." The guy replied.

The bartender gives him the drink and says, "That's five dollars."

"What are you talking about?" the man replies. "I don't owe you anything for this."

The fellow sitting next to him at the bar was a lawyer, who decided to get into the discussion. "You know," he tells the bartender, "he's got you there. In the original offer, constituting a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of payment."

The irritated bartender says to the first guy, "Fine. You beat me for a drink. But I don't ever want to see you in here again." The following day, the very same guy comes back into the bar. The bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I told you not to come back!"

The guy replies, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place before in my life!"

The bartender looks confused. "I'm sorry then, but this is really weird. You must have a double."

The man immediately replies, "Thank you very much! Make it a scotch."

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A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York.

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.

"The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get
their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the
end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one
began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot
of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to
market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when
we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying
and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.


"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for
the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when
they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral
to this story is, don't count your chickens until they
hatch."

"That was a fine story Lucy." "Johnny, do you have a
story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt
Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm;
her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory
and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun;
a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it
wouldn't break; then she landed right in the middle of
100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine
gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty
more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed
the last ten with her bare hands.

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind
of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"


"Don't screw with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"

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A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade
class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced
an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of
whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor
while putting a worm into the water.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm
in water could be. He then put the second worm into the
whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then
quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?"
the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand
and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you
won't get worms."

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Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position
at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for
the same joband both applicants having the same qualifications
were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, the manager went to Murphy
and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided
to give the American the job."

Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both
got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me
being Irish, I should get the job!"

The manager said, "We have made our decision, not on
the correct answers, but rather on the question that you
missed."

Murphy asked, "And how would one incorrect answer be
better than the other?"

The manager replied, "Simple. The America put down on
question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do
I.'"

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An elderly couple was driving across the country. While
the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over
by the highway patrol.

"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer
said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and
asked, "What did he say?"

"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"


The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he
say?"

The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"


The woman then gave the officer her license.

"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I
spent some time there once and went on a blind date with
the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What
did he say?"

The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"