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Jokes part 106
The weather was very hot, so this man wanted desperately take a
dive in the nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but
who cared? He was all alone.
So, he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful
minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the
shore in his direction.
He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket, which lay
on the sandy beach. He held the bucket in front of his private
parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and
wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said, "You know, I have a
special gift, I can read minds."
"Impossible," said the embarrassed man, "You really know what I'm
thinking?"
"Yes," the lady replied, "I know that you think that the bucket
you're holding has a bottom in it."
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A pious man, who had reached the age of 105,
suddenly stopped going to synagogue.
Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so
many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi
went to see him. He found him in excellent
health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after
all these years we don't see you at services
anymore?"
The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you,
Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I
expected God to take me any day. But then I got
to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that
God is very busy and must've forgotten about me,
and I don't want to remind Him!"
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A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when
a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair
styled into a Mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange
clothing. It was determined that the patient had acute
appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table,
the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green,
and above it was a tattoo reading, "Keep off the grass."
After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a
small note to the dressing which said, "Sorry, had to
mow the lawn."
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A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday,
instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying
with the boys and spending his entire pay-cheque.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted
by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a
tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three
days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday
came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling
went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the
corner of his left eye.
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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching
on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one
a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you
know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It
will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be
107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy
bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, but he did mind his
own fucking business!"
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Dr Gordon was a guest at a chic gathering, and his hostess
naturally broached the subject in which he was most at ease.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a
mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," Dr Gordon replied. "You ask him a simple
question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he
hesitates, that puts you on the right track."
"What sort of question?" asked the hostess.
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around
the world and died during one of them. Which one?' "
The hostess thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh,
"You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must
confess I don't know much about history."
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The secretary came in late for work for the third day
in a row.
The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look
Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but
that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any
other employee around here. Who told you you could come
and go as you please around here?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while
exhaling said, "My lawyer."
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