One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."

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These two lesbians walked into a bar One extremely pretty and one extremely ugly.

The pretty one said to the ugly one "I get us a drink".

So she walked up to the bar and said to the bar-tender "Two Jim beams and coke"

The bartender got the drinks and said, "That's $10." She said, "I don't have any money."

The bartender said, "Well how are you going to pay for them?"

She replied, "I'll show you my tits."

He looked at her and replied, "O.K."

So she showed him her tits, then took the drinks back to the table.

The ugly one said,"How did you pay for those?"

The pretty one said, "I showed him my tits and he gave them to me for free!"

The ugly one said, "I try that." So she walked up to the bartender and said,

"Two Jim beams and coke please".

The bartender said, "That will be $10 please."

The ugly one turned around and said, "I don't have any money!"

The bartender said, "Well how are you going to pay for them?"

She replied, "I will show you my tits"

He replied back, "You're ugly so your tits will be ugly!"

So the ugly one said, "O.K. then I will let you smell my friends pussy!"

The bartender replied, "What that one over there?" (pointing to the good looking one) She said "Yeah."

The bartender said, "Sure!"

So the ugly one leaned over the bar and breathed in his face.

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Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing home residents.

They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her Husband had come to the nursing home.

The other woman said that her sex life was great!

"The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!"

Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!"

When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.

It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!"

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A husband suspects his wife is having an affair. He needs to go on a business trip for several days, so he decides to set a trap for her.

He puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bed springs, he suspends a spoon. He has it calibrated so that her weight on the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk. But, if there's any more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he will detect it upon his return home.

He comes home several days later. The first thing he does is reach under the bed and retrieve the bowl.

The bowl is full of butter.

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A king travels through the desert, when he suddenly discovers a man captured under a big rock, he throws a rope around the rock and ties it to his horse and pulls the rock off the man. The man, gratefull as he is, tells the king that he's really a great sorcerer, and gives the king three wishes.

The king looks at the Sorcerer and says "OK, then I wish to be immortal", the sorcerer replies "Puff, it's done." The king takes a knife and stabs himself and nothing happens, then he says "OK, then I want my horse to be immortal." The sorcerer replies "Puff, it's done". The king, happy as can be, stabs his horse and nothing happens, then he says "OK, then I want my horses genitals." The sorcerer replies "Puff, it's done".

The king, still happy, jumps on his horse and rides back to his castle, in the doorway he meets his friend Peter, jumps off the horse and tells Peter that he's now immortal.

Peter laughs, but the king gives Peter his knife and says "Here stab me with the knife."

Peter stabs the king as ordered and nothing happens, then the king shows Peter that his horse also is immortal, and replies "That's not even the best part look at this" and the king drops his pants.

Peter looks at the naked king and screams out loud "Damn that's the biggest pussy I've ever seen..."