Uncle Larry Reeb said he was smoking in a restaurant the other day when a guy came up to him and said, "That smoke's bothering me."

Larry said, "Well, it's killing me. If I don't care about what it's doing to me, why would I give a shit what it's doing to you?"

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One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." So the guy says, "Well, give me some examples."

So the girlfriend proceeds to tell him, "Well the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn`t for me. Then she said, "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can`t seem to find the hole than that means he is inexperienced and that isn`t for me either."

Then she said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"

He then proceeded to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

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There was a young man who had just complete his schooling to become a minister. He had went back to his home town and went to his pastor and ask if he could deliver the message that Sunday. The minister agreed.

Sunday morning the young man went to his pastor and said he was too nervous to preach. The priest took him in the kitchen and pored him some clear whiskey. The man took a drink and refilled his glass. The priest told him to take it out and set it on the pulpit. It would calm his nerves and it was clear so the congregation would think it was water.

The young man did exactly what the priest said. After the service and everyone had left the young minister asked the priest how he did. The priest said fine but we must get three things straight.

Mother Mary is not Big Mama.

The Holy Ghost isn't the Spook from Hell.

And they crucified Jesus they didn't just nail his ass to a tree.

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It was the last day of the school year, and Miss Figpot was talking to her fourth grade class. She asked "What will you be doing this summer?"

"Me and my family will go to the beach a lot," Suzie answered. "That sounds like fun," said Miss Figpot. "How about you, Emma? What will you do this summer?" "My family just bought new bikes will ride together." Emma replied enthusiastically. "That sounds lovely," said the teacher.

She continued with all her students until she got to Little Johnny in the back of the room. "What will you do this summer, Johnny?" "Nothing," Little Johnny responded timidly.

"Nothing? Aren't you going to do anything with your family?" she asked, trying to get Little Johnny to use his imagination. "Nothing." He replied

"Will you go to the beach?"

"No."

"Will you ride bikes?" "No, never!" Little Johnny burst out. "We can never ride bikes together!" "Why not?" said the shocked Miss Figpot.

"I don't know," explained Little Johnny, "But dad always says, when mom and sis start 'cycling together', it's time to get the hell out of town."

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Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses.

"You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

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Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.

"Father, I am sinful."

"Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."

"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."

"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."

"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."

"That's not very good of you."

"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."

"Father?......... Father?"

Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him.

"Father? Where are you?"

He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.

"Father, why are you hiding here?"

"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."