wrote this a last weak and thought id see if i can get some feed back on it... this is the first poem i wrote in about 6 months considering that i usally cant write unless im really depressed...
any feed back would be appreciated...

*poem removed to save what dignity i have left*

Last edited by ratz on Sep-19-2003 at 17:52

k, as a reader, "losing my way forward" is hard to comprehend. If this poems for you its great, but your "public voice" needs work. Its a little unclear what you mean.

(yeah i take lots of poetry classes fuck yoU! heheh)

roses are red
i want trance
i hate poems that don't rhyme

quote:

Originally posted by Orbax k, as a reader, "losing my way forward" is hard to comprehend. If this poems for you its great, but your "public voice" needs work. Its a little unclear what you mean.

well that speeks about how looking forward is getting me nowhere with out dealing with my past first... hense

losing my way forward,
i start to look back,
try to use the past to grow in happiness,
try to find myself...

quote:

Originally posted by moncster roses are red i want trance i hate poems that don't rhyme

thats right there.. sorry..

Poetry needs to rhyme, you need to have that need to read that next line... if not.. your audience will bore... one other thing... your visual imagery is good, although it needs to be worked upon.

___________________

Cause back before '99, U didn' give a damn about PvD, but now that he's pressin' platinum LP's, all of a sudden ur' into
his killer beat's! Ain't nothin' U can do to make it stop cause trance makes the world go round, so cut the act...

[My Website]

quote:

Originally posted by bassaholix thats right there.. sorry.. Poetry needs to rhyme, you need to have that need to read that next line... if not.. your audience will bore... one other thing... your visual imagery is good, although it needs to be worked upon.

eh there is tons of poetry out there that doesn't rhyme. Seems kinda restrictive to say that poetry HAS to rhyme, thought it was free to take any form.

I like the use of opposites in the first and second lines in the 2nd and 3rd part, I thought maybe you could also incorporate that into the first and fourth part.

as a side note now that I think of it, poetry used to always rhyme, but that was only because the language used was inflectional. So the ending of word modified the word, and since there were only so many endings they mostly rhymed. or so I was told.

thing is is that i dont write my poetry for any 1 else but me... so i can have it any way i want... i just thought id see how others thought... but im not gonna change it... what comes out comes out an its pretty much written in stone... but thanks for the constructive critisism... and on the note of it not rhyming... i hardly ever see any poetry that rhymes unless yer talking grade 6 shit... most famous poems of the 19th an 20th centery dont rhyme at all...

doo doo doo doo
dooee doo dooee doo
doo doo doo doo
dooee doo dooee doo
sunshine
sunshine
sunshine
happiness
doo doo doo doo
DOODOODOODOODOO
HAPPINESS
deedle dee dee deedle dee dee

repeat for 8 minutes

___________________
"We did not choose to become robots. There was an accident in our studio. We were working on our sampler, and at exactly 9:09 a.m. on September 9, 1999, it exploded. When we regained consciousness, we discovered that we had become robots."

I still want to know who had the sig that said:

"Roses are red, violets are blue
All my bases are belong to you"

___________________
Indiana Clones Upcoming Sets
[ I May Upload Something Someday ]

quote:

Originally posted by placebo doo doo doo doo dooee doo dooee doo doo doo doo doo dooee doo dooee doo sunshine sunshine sunshine happiness doo doo doo doo DOODOODOODOODOO HAPPINESS deedle dee dee deedle dee dee repeat for 8 minutes

ahahhaha if thats not already a trance song, it could def be one!!!!

eh... whats the point in sharing artistic ability if its not even appreciated... all i get are crap comments of ppl mocking poetry... i thought there would be some ppl who appreciate it...
oh well

its good, but one of the hardest things about writing poetry is responding to criticism. Most of the time poetry is written straight from deep emotions, and you get it out, and every word seems perfect because it totally reminds you of what you were feeling.

but like I said, sometimes other people dont get the same imagery at all. Like that stanza I mentioned still doesnt make sense...to me. Which is just 1 person. And after you hear the critical thought you can either choose to change it or not, but it shouldnt be a fast decision. One of the requirements for my final was to take 10 final drafts of poems I had submitted and make major changes to them. Some turned out worse, some a lot better. Experiment. Thats what its all about.