The best break-up ever
*ME IS NOT THE i-PERSON*
The back story: Two days ago, my roommate and best friend (We'll call him Dan) and I got home and found the doors both locked and his television missing from his bedroom. His girlfriend (another paying roommate, and a passive aggressive bitch I can't stand) was gone, and her room was locked. We figured we'd wait for her to get home and ask her if she saw anyone with Dan's TV. She didn't show up.
Fast forward to today, 6 hours ago. Dan and I are hanging out with some friends and one of them asks if he knew his girlfriend was cheating on him.
"What the fuck do you mean?"
"She's cheating on you with Steve X. I saw them making out at Mark's party last night."
"Fuck you."
"I swear to God."
It went on like this for a few minutes, until he realized he was arguing with the wrong person about this. We left for home, in order to strategize and possibly find out what the hell was going on from our other roommate. When we got home, we found the door unlocked and the lights on upstairs.
The girlfriend had come home.
Dan stormed up the stairs, with me tailing close behind - to hell with minding my own business, I wouldn't miss this for all the rice in China. He barges into her room and asks "What the hell's going on" in an agitated voice. His girlfriend just gives him a blank stare and says she was at her friend's house for a few days - bullshit, said friend is out of town. He rails on for a few more minutes and then notices a slip of paper on her dresser.
It's a pawn slip. For a 27" Television. Holy shit.
Then he notices the name on the slip. Steven X. Holy shit. At that moment, he snapped. He immediately launched into a stream of profane screaming, the likes of which I doubt I'll hear again if I live to be a hundred years old. He somehow strung together obscenities in new, provocative ways that were a joy to behold, and he made up several new words in the process. It was almost musical.
Dan was *pissed*. And rightly so. After about 2 minutes of the happy couple screaming each other, he left the room in mid-'fuckingslut'. A few minutes later, I decided to go and see what he was doing, but right then he came charging back into the room with a warm 2-liter Mountain Dew bottle and resumed his tirade against his (now ex)girlfriend.
Again, Dan launched into a wonderful prose-like bout of obscenity which I won't even try to recapture here. His twisting, turning siren song of profanities made me proud to be an American, if only for a fleeting moment. I could have cried, were I not laughing so hard. Then came something totally unexpected, he stopped swearing. He stepped towards the alleged slut and looked for a second like he was wondering what to do.
Then he started pouring his Mountain Dew all over everything, laughing hysterically. His Girlfriend (her clothes, her hair - she was drenched), her bed, her XBox, her TV (which had been on this whole time and now made a loud popping sound as the picture faded to black for the last time) - all got a taste of yellow death. He then opened her dresser drawers and started pouring the liquid all over all of her clothes, to leave her nothing to change into. At this point I had stopped laughing and now held a look of pure awe on my face for Dan - now a hero in my eyes - who must have hardened steel balls the size of medium-sized watermelons.
His girlfriend was screaming bloody murder.
"What the hell are you laughing at?"
At this point, the shock had worn off and I resumed laughing as before. And then I noticed there was another, more pungent, odor underneath the fried electronics smell from the burned out television. Before I could identify it, Dan ran out of Mountain Dew and looked like he was going to going to keel over and go into cardiac arrest from laughing.
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LAUGHING AT??? ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE?" queried his lady friend demurely.
"AAAHAHAHAHAHHAHA YOU BITCH!!!! I FUCKING PEED IN THAT BOTTLE!!!"
His girlfriend dropped to her knees screaming in shock, clawing at her face and hair like she'd just been doused with acid. This was more than I could stand. I fell over onto my side with tears streaming down my face - laughing so hard that it felt like my liver had imploded. His girlfriend ran downstairs to try to call her friend to pick her up, not realizing that her friend was still out of town. When she finally managed to get a hold of another friend, that friend was too busy to come by with a change of clothes, so she had to go to the nearest store that sold clothing (a soccer apparel store 6 blocks away) in urine-soaked clothes and 30-degree windy weather to buy a change of pants and shirt.
When she got back, she decided to try for payback. She went upstairs and tried to open Dan's room - locked. She tried her key. No dice. He had changed the lock the day before because of having his TV stolen, and hadn't had time to give her a spare. Seeing that there wasn't anything she could do to get Dan back at the moment, she stormed out of the house about two hours ago, and we haven't seen or heard from her since.
This was perhaps the most entertaining afternoon of my life, ever. It's all downhill from here.
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