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dd jokes 10/10/03 12/10/03 & 14/10/03
Missed the last 3 because my pc was fucked and i only formatted today
10/10/03
Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal David Strong.
One day out in the Texas panhandle, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black Lab just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars."
The guy says, "But this dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"He's a liar," the owner responds. "He didn't do any of that shit."
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Thanks to our old pal Junior Johnston for sending in today's second joke.
There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother. One night, the granddaughter came bouncing down the stairs dressed to go out to a party wearing a see-through blouse without a bra. Her grandmother told her to go back upstairs and "dress decent."
"No, I want to show off my rosebuds!" she said and bounded out the door.
The next day, the granddaughter came outside to find her grandmother on the porch wearing a see-through blouse without a bra.
"Grandma! What are you doing?! Friends are coming over any time now! Please go change your blouse!"
"No way, girl. If you can show off them rosebuds of yours, then I can show off my hanging baskets!"
WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
Even if it was common knowledge that Viagra tastes like peppermint, today's worst joke would STILL be the one sent in by Jerry Moore.
A cattle rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the breeding fee $ from the bank.
The banker lends him the money and comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing.
The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker says he knows a great veterinarian and that he'll send him out the next day to check the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased and told the banker, "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows."
"Wow," says the banker. "What did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
"I don't know," says the smiling farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."
12/10/03
Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Andy Santa.
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Carolyn listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
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Thanks to our old pal Junior Johnston for sending in today's second joke.
Three men were flying in a plane when they decided to drop stuff on the town they were flying over. One dropped a book, one dropped a brick, and one dropped a bomb, just for fun.
They then landed, to survey the damage they caused.
The first thing they saw was a small child, crying and holding a book.
Then they saw another small child, crying and holding a brick.
Then they saw a small child laughing his head off. "What's so funny?" they asked him.
"I just farted," the kid said between laughs, "and my neighbor's house blew up!"
WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
Today's worst jokes were sent in by a couple of British Islanders. The first one was sent in by Alyn from Wales, and the second was sent in by Fast Eddie from England. I think you either have to be Welsh or a tractor-trailer dealer in the UK to fully "get" them.
Never employ a dyslexic midget.
It ain't big, and it ain't clever!
Q: What do a Kennworth Semi-Truck and a test-tube baby have in common?
A: Neither one's Peterbilt!
14/10/03
Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Mack Barss.
This lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts. Making sure she goes through his line she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, "Sure lady."
They no sooner get out of the store and she again leans over and whispers, "You know, I have an Itchy Pussy."
He responds, "You'll have to point it out to me lady, all those Japanese cars look alike."
*** *** ***
Thanks to our old pal Erica Parent for sending in today's second joke.
An elderly man walked into a confessional booth. The following conversation ensued:
Man: "I am 82 years old, and have a wonderful wife of 60 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. For some reason, they thought I was kind of interesting. One thing led to another, and we ended up at a motel, where I had sex with each of them twice."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."
WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
Today's worst joke was sent in by Miznick+
A woman is in her doctor's office, and suddenly shouts out "Doctor, kiss me!"
The Doctor looks at her and says, "It's against the code of ethics to kiss you."
About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out "Doctor, please, kiss me just once!"
Again he refuses, apologetically, and says "As a doctor I simply cannot kiss you."
Finally, another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with her doctor; "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!"
"Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be screwing you right now."
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