Hehehe.. i get them sent all from emails Happy reading..

=

Shane Warne


When Shane Warne and Simone first got married Shane said, "I am
putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all
their 10 years of marriage, Simone had never looked. However,
on the afternoon of their 10th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her
and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer
cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under
the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary
dinner.
After dinner, Simone could no longer contain her curiosity and
she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and
never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was
too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the
box?"

Shane thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these
years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you,
I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not
to do it again."

Simone was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened by
your behaviour. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it
does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."
Shane thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made
their peace. A little while later Simone asked Shane, "So why do you
have all that money in the box?"

Shane answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I
took them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash."

=

Man and woman


A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves
assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental
train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
the two retired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and
she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to
reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own f.....ng blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

=

9 Children


A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are
their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and
the nine kids are able to fit in the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the
stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk and says to him:

"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick,
that ticking sound is driving me crazy!

The blind man replies:

"If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR
stick, we'd be riding the bus, so SHUT UP!"

=

Easter Show


A married couple went to the Sydney Easter show and
one of the exhibits was that of prize bulls. They went
up to the first pen and there was a sign that said,
"This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He
mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and saw another pen with
a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last
year."

The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than
twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a
sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a
day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him
if it was with the same cow."

=
EOF

___________________

Cause back before '99, U didn' give a damn about PvD, but now that he's pressin' platinum LP's, all of a sudden ur' into
his killer beat's! Ain't nothin' U can do to make it stop cause trance makes the world go round, so cut the act...

[My Website]

Here's a funny story for you:

When we were in Year 9, my friend was having a party at his house as his parents had gone away. We were very young at the time as you can gather, and this was probably the first "proper party" that any of our friends had ever had. Another of my friends, lets call him "X" was out at another party beforehand. As he was young, naive and inexperienced, X got totally wasted on about 3/4 bottle of tequila, and could barely stand up after it.

Anyways, the party was rocking at my friend's house when X arrived in a car with a couple of other (much older) friends. X somehow managed to get out of the car and collapse on the driveway. Eventually, he half stumbled (with assistance) inside.

X then proceeded to sit down on the floor and start mumbling some incoherent rubbish because he was so pissed. This continued for a while, and it was quite amusing to watch our young, pissed friend. This was all new to us, as we hadn't really associated with alcohol before. Well, what happened next will go down in folklore as one of the great party moments.

He pissed his pants in front of everyone!!!! There was probably about 20 people who saw it, and let me just say, it was hilarious. It started as a slow trickle, and eventually there was a small puddle left on the tiled floor.


Well it was pretty funny for me, anyway. Hope you enjoy my lame story!

quote:

Originally posted by Vigilante He pissed his pants in front of everyone!!!! There was probably about 20 people who saw it, and let me just say, it was hilarious. It started as a slow trickle, and eventually there was a small puddle left on the tiled floor.

Lucky it was tiled

___________________
If you can't be good, at least be good at it!

sorry bass had to use it on someone and this thread was perfect for it.

___________________
Oh, life is bigger ,It's bigger than you,And you are not me,The lengths that I will go to, The distance in your eyes ,Oh no, I've said too much, I set it up

That's me in the corner, That's me in the spotlight, I'm Losing my religion, Trying to keep up with you ,And I don't know if I can do it, Oh no, I've said too much,I haven't said enough, I thought that I heard you laughing, I thought that I heard you sing, I think I thought I saw you try.

But that was just a dream, That was just a dream, But that was just a dream, Try, cry, why try? That was just a dream ,Just a dream, just a dream, Dream

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral: Women can be evil bitches. Don't mess with them.

___________________
Girl DJs with strong, record-pushing fingers... think about it...

Upcoming gigs
Feb 22: Noise 2 @ Jube
Mar 23: Tilt @ Step Inn
May 9: Noise 3 @ Jube

A woman is getting dressed up to go out, while her husband is watching TV.

She's got her little black dress on, but she's not satisfied. "My face is all blotchy, my hair's a mess, my boobs aren't big enough and my arse looks huge in this dress. Cheer me up, pay me a compliment."

Her husband looks at her for a moment, and says "your eyesight's f*ckin perfect"

___________________

This is truly a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less... adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a construction crew building a house." "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied... "I will if those useless c*#ts at Bunnings ever bring us the fu%^ng gyprock"

___________________
If you can't be good, at least be good at it!

quote:

Originally posted by webmeister A woman is getting dressed up to go out, while her husband is watching TV. She's got her little black dress on, but she's not satisfied. "My face is all blotchy, my hair's a mess, my boobs aren't big enough and my arse looks huge in this dress. Cheer me up, pay me a compliment." Her husband looks at her for a moment, and says "your eyesight's f*ckin perfect"

LOL

___________________


:: Out soon ::
» Adam Jace - Safari People [Plastic City]

http://www.myspace.com/adamjace