love the last one in particular:






Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my Talking Clock", the man replied.
"How does it work?", asked the guest.
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For f**ks sake it's twenty to two in the f*c*ing morning!"

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A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says,"I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."

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2 SARS bugs leave the pub after a night of drinking one turns to the other and says, 'Bloody Hell, I could murder a Chinese'


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The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.

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Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day. The agent goes
"Sean, I've got you a job, starts tomorrow, early.You'll have to be there for 10-ish". Sean furrows his brow and says

"Tennish? but I don't even have a racket."

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