..yes I'm this bored. Some jokes might offend some people and i'm really sorry. A joke is a joke sheesh.



Q. What is the definition of confidence?
A. When your wife catches you in bed with another woman &
you slap her on the ass & say "you're next".

Q. What's the difference between a bitch & a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everyone at a party, a bitch sleeps
with everyone at a party except you.

Q. What's the difference between love, true love & showing off?
A. Spit, swallow & gargle.

Q. What 3 words do you dread most while making love?
A. "Honey, I'm home".

Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his arse.

Q. What did the gynaecologist & the pizza deliveryman have in common?
A. They both get to smell the goods but neither one can eat it.

Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A. The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q. What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A. Full.

Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?
A. You push it to the side before you start eating

Q. Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A. By the time you've finished with the breasts & thighs all
you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Q. Why does Mexico have no Olympic team?
A. Because everyone who can run, jump & swim is already in the US.

Q. What's the difference between getting a divorce & getting circumcised?
A. With a divorce you get rid of the whole prick.

Q. Why does a bride smile when she walks down the aisle?
A. She knows she's given her last blowjob.

Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin

Q. How can you tell if a valentine's card is from a leper?
A. The tongue's still in the envelope.

Q. Which of the following does not belong: Meat, eggs or a blowjob?
A. The blowjob. You can beat your eggs & your meat.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde & an ironing board?
A. It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q. Why do blondes have more fun?
A. They are easier to keep amused.

Q. Why do seagulls have wings?
A. To beat the gypsies to the tip.

Q. Why did God invent alcohol?
A. So ugly people can get laid.

Q. How do you get 3 little old ladies to say "f*ck"?
A. Get a 4th little old lady to shout "Bingo".

Q. Why did God invent women?
A. Because sheep can't get beer out of the fridge.

Q. What's the difference between a woman from Milton Keynes &
a walrus?
A. One's got a moustache & smells of fish & the other lives in
the sea.

Q. How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled 'coping with darkness.'

Q. Why can't blind people skydive?
A. It scares the sh*t out of the dog.

Q. What do women & condoms have in common?
A. Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q. How do you make a dog drink?
A. Put it in a liquidizer.

Q. What do you do if your boiler explodes?
A. Buy it some flowers.

Q. What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the 2nd date?
A. Patient.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde & a mosquito?
A. A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it.

Q. How is pussy like a grapefruit?
A. The best ones squirt when you eat them.

Q. What's the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q. Who is the most popular guy in a nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand & 12 donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular woman in a nudist colony?
A. She's the one who can eat the last donut.

Q. How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
A. In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

Q. What is a Jewish dilemma?
A. Free pork.

Q. Why do bachelors like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.

Q. Why do Italians grow moustaches?
A. So they can look like their mothers.

Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Q. Did you hear about the new shade of dulux paint called blonde?
A. It's not very bright but it spreads easily.

Q. Why do women have foreheads?
A. So you have some place to kiss them after they give you a blowjob.

Q. Do you know why they call it a wonder bra?
A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Q. Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.