Long but funny, don't know where my friend got it from.


SpongeBob SquarePants had just finished soaking up Ernie's ejaculate
when Bert walked in on them. "Ernie!" Bert exclaimed in a
high-pitched, effeminate voice.

"It's not what you think, Bert," Ernie said, quickly zipping up his
denim cutoffs.

Just then, He-Man came in, gripping his tumescent phallus with both
hands. "You guys ready for that threeso—" Ernie nodded sideways in
Bert's direction. "Whoops."

"What is this, an orgy?" Bert asked, his eyes welling up.

SpongeBob was temporarily distracted; watching He-Man's overt display
of power possession was triangulating his own pants around the crotch.
"Not yet—the Teletubbies haven't shown up."

No sooner had he said this than the Teletubbies did show up—with
enough Ecstasy and K-Y for everyone. Everyone but Bert, that is, who
was straight-edged and boring at parties.

She-Ra entered with Velma from Scooby-Doo on her arm. "Hey, boys, the
divas have arrived," she announced, taking a hit of E and putting the
truly outrageous stylings of Jem and the Holograms on the stereo.

"Ernie was cheating on me," Bert complained, although no one was
paying attention, because of an impromptu limbo contest.

"Oh, Bert, lighten up," Batman lisped as he pirouetted in, his hand
down the front of Robin's tights. "They're just having a little fun."

"If having fun means destroying a commitment of years for some
immediate sexual gratification, then count me out," Bert whined.

"Then count us in!" chimed in Hefty Smurf, Handy Smurf, and Vanity
Smurf, decked out in assless leather chaps. Hefty's and Handy's chests
were neatly trimmed; Vanity's was fully waxed.

"Me, too," added androgynous boy reporter/toy Tintin, making eye
contact with He-Man and flashing six, then nine, fingers.

"Sorry I'm late, I had to make a million excuses to get Barbie out of
my hair," Ken said, running his fingers through his flamingly gorgeous
blond locks and winking at Vanity Smurf. "It's exhausting keeping a
beard who doesn't know she is one."

"You know what this party needs?" SpongeBob said, prancing up and
down. "Some straight guys who are curious!"

"Yeah!" rose up a swooshy chorus.

They hit their cell phones, and within half an hour Jon from Garfield,
Fred Flintstone, Inspector Gadget, Woody Woodpecker, Popeye, Bugs
Bunny, and a few of the Seven Dwarfs were standing around awkwardly,
hands sunk deep in pockets or, if they were animals and did not have
hands and pockets, then with paws or wings by their sides. Within an
hour, though, they were grinding with the Teletubbies, gulping from
1-liter Dasani bottles, declaring their previously undiscovered love
for techno, and trading pectoral-developing tips. Popeye thought back
wistfully on his many years at sea and wondered what he was doing with
scrawny Olive Oyl. Bugs strutted around in drag and sang show tunes.
Fred was a big hit, accenting certain parts of the songs by running
quickly in place to create a twinkling sound.

The queer pressure finally got to Bert, who tentatively asked one of
the Teletubbies if he had "any of those pills left." After being given
a warm group hug, he was told to "take one of these and join us,"
although in an incomprehensible gay babble.

Bert did so, and in no time he started to loosen up and sway
rhythmically to the music, which had previously seemed atonal and
mechanical, but which was now melodic and delicious. He donned a
rainbow tank top and approached Ernie. "Ernie, I love you," he said,
"and it's not the drugs talking."

"Oh, Bert, you're the only one for me," Ernie replied, finishing off
Jon. "Let's get married."

"What a great idea!" Bert shouted as Inspector Gadget rimmed him with
an apparatus whose original purpose was to facilitate underwater
breathing and which doubled as a can opener. "Even though marriage
forces mainstream cultural and political obeisance to a heterosexist
state that otherwise fails to recognize us equally, let's do it to
show our love to the world!"

The entire group headed to Boston for a quick but nonetheless
flamboyant ceremony, and cruised down to Fire Island for a weeklong
party with assorted friends from the entertainment and fashion
industries.

Then a generation of impressionable American children all became gay.

___________________