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You don't need the first sixteen bars to be the same, it can stay at 8, methinks.
Percs in the intro, not bad.
Interesting way to bring the rhythm synth in.
To be honest, the format of this song is almost exactly like the original so far, and that just seems mildly dull to me.
4:30: What's with that pad in the right channel? It seems really out of place. Maybe put it lower in the mix.
The percs seem kinda muddy. Try getting them EQ'd and compressed to make them a bit more isolated and louder-sounding.
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