ok the thread in the chill out room on religion got me thinking and it reminded me of two jokes...
i highly recommend you guys to see the thread there, its a long read but definitly well worth it, gets you thinking
http://www.tranceaddict.com/forums/...?threadid=32166

anyways on to the jokes


ok during the peak of the cold war, the premier of russia kruschev (spelling?) came to visit nixon in the US. after the greeting ceremonies were complete nixon asked the premier what he would like to see in the US, to which he replied i would like to stroll through manhatan and see the skyscrapers. obviously nixon complied and gave him a tour of NYC. one thing however that annoyed the premier was these group of people out on the corner with the shirt jesus loves you. now coming from the communist party the premier was obviously an athiest. He asked to fetch one of the girls from the group of poeple and there infront of the premier stood a 10 year old girl. He asked her, "so you are a christian, right?" and she said "ya, i am". "hmmm, then you believe in god, jesus, the bible and all of that stuff". "ya, i do" the girl replied. "Let me ask you a question, why is it that in one of the books in the bible a whale swallowed this woman named joanna, when in real fact it is known that a whale cant swallow anything larger than an orange - they're through is so narrow". the girl thought and said "i dont know why that is but i will remember to ask joanna that question when i get to heaven." The premier then quickly said "well what if she never went to heaven". the girl was baffled, she stood there for a while thinking and then said "then you can ask her".

actually my eletrical engineering teacher told us that joke in class, he craked everyone up.

ok heres another
the most important rabbi in judaisim went to visit the pope in Rome. the pope gave the rabbi a grand tour and even showed him his private room at the church (Saint Pedros?) anyways out of the corner of his eye the rabbi spotted a phone in the pope's room. surprised the rabbi asked the pope about it and he said "ya thats my phone to god, i talk to him almost daily". "really?!?!" said the rabbi, stunned. "ya, you know what go ahead and make the call, go talk to god". wow the rabbi was impressed, there he was actually talking to god and he had a long conversation with the guy up there. after the rabbi was done he went to the pope and said, "let me pay for the call". "No no no" said the pope its my favor... anyways as things went they got into a little fight over who should pay. finaly the pope said ok that call costs 25$ gladly for that price the rabbi pays. time passes and the pope went to jerusalem to visit the rabbi. after the tour of the holy city of jerusalem the pope also recongnized a phone in the rabbi's room. he asked the rabbi "is that a phone to god". "ya i got it installed last week". "great i have some buisness to do, do you mind if i give god a call". "no go right ahead". after the pope's call he asks the rabbi if he can pay for his call... agian they get into a little fight until the rabbi says ok. so the pope asks how much and the rabbi says "that'll be a quarter". stunned the pope said "really? how come its so cheap" the rabbi then says "local call"

___________________
If God is the answer, it must have been a very stupid question.

I know you don't know this one Izzy.. but apparently its a classic.. for all who haven't heard this story hear:

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a
US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South
to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the
North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course
15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say
again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE
SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE
FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.


Yoepus
If at first don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything

Hehe. That's a damn good one... Even more hilarious if it's real...

___________________

"I expect to pass through life but once. If therefore, there be any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not defer or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again."

SCOTTISH JOKE:
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Gabriel the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed
downwards through the clouds,
"Look Gabriel, look what I've made."

Archangel Gabriel looked puzzled and said,
"What is it?"

"It's a planet", replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Gabriel, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example,
Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern
Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries.

And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly.
And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a hot spot.
Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a small country in Northern Europe,
"What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's Scotland, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful snow capped mountains, untouched rivers, streams and lochs of exquisite, timeless beauty.
The people make a drink called Uisge Beatha or Whiskey which means "The Water of Life".
The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be
found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as warriors, engineers, inventors and pioneers.

Gabriel gasped in wonder and admiration but then said
"You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely.
"Wait until you see the bastards I'm putting next to them!".


Yoepus
PANTHEISM, n. The doctrine that everything is God, in contradistinction to the doctrine that God is everything.