George Carlin's New Rules for 2006
1. New Rule: Stop giving me those pop-up ads for
Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to
people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
2. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you
out a window unless you're a seagull.
People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain,filet mignon?
3. New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have
sex with their hot,blonde teachers are permanently damaged.
I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
4. New Rule: If you need to shave and you still
collect baseball cards, you're gay.
If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.
If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
5. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have
two of them? Okay, we're done.
6. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket
- water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but
flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it
melt. There's your flavored water.
7. New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is
introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger
label. And the top isnow the bottom. And by the time
grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in
the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved
the Social Security crisis.
8. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a
"decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla,
double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh,
you're a huge asshole.
9. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look
up from sliding my credit card, entering my PIN
number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing
"Enter" again, the kid who's supposed to be ringing me
up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
10. New Rule: For young women: just because your
tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you
spiritual; hey, it's right above the crack of your
ass. And anyway, it literally translates to "beef
with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't
pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
11. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's
one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised
the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching
those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
They're already doing that. It's called The Howard
Stern Show.
12. New Rule: I don't need a bigger, mega M&M. If
I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
13. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making
movies based on crappy old television shows, then you
have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other
screens. Let's remember the reason something was a
television show in the first place is that the idea
wasn't good enough to be a movie.
14. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it
used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies, engagement parties, sweet-16's, new homes and graduation from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people
buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the middle
class version of looting.
15. New Rule (and this one is long overdue): No more
bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is
offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a
fetish. Don't want to be on your webcam, dude, I just
want to wash my hands.
16. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I
don't need to know his age in months -- "27 Months."
"He's two", will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
And to tell y ou the truth, I didn't really care in
the first place.
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Everyday should be a Saturday..
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