Came across this awards ceremony from Mixmag on the Discogs forum. Normally I think Mixmag is tabloid rubbish only good for the CDs that come with the magazine, but this is too funny to pass up. Especially when one of the tunes I hate more than anything else I've heard in my life so far made it to 1st place.


Writers: Neil Stevenson and Alexis Petridis


1. Doop 'Doop' (Citybeat)

Dutchmen Ferry and Garneski's biggest selling contribution to club culture was a 1920s Charleston dance combined with Euro synth riffs. Caned by Tall Paul and Nick Warren, plus Judge Jules and David Morales, who both remixed it. The national press ran stories about young people adopting the vintage dance 'craze': a low point was reached when a TV programme showed pensioners doing the Charleston along to 'Doop'. The clubbing nation snapped out of its trance, disowned this monstrosity, and pretended no one had ever played, or danced to it, or even written about it (yes, we had it in Mixmag too - doh!). But the trauma still lingers.


2. Scooter 'Raving I'm Raving' (Club Tools)

Shut Up And Dance subtly altered the lyrics to Marc Cohn's 'Walking In Memphis' by changing every other word to 'rave' or 'raving', thereby ensuring they made no sense whatsoever ("I put on my raving shoes and boarded the plane" - nice). Cohn's lawyers, unsurprisingly, took a dim view and SUAD's version was withdrawn. That didn't stop German ravers Scooter covering it: a European smash despite an extraordinarily bad vocal, lunatic acid lines and, the cherry on the top, massed bagpipes playing 'Scotland The Brave'. This record really has to be heard to be believed, as has Scooter's previous hit - a cover of Billy Idol's 'Rebel Yell'.


3. Ferrerolicious 'The Ambassador's Party' (No label admitted responsibility)
A key release in convincing clubland dream house was not, actually, so hot an idea. Borrowing the backing from BBE's 'Seven Days And One Week', it added Robert Miles-y piano playing - yes! - the music from the Ferrero Rocher ad, complete with spoken lyrics along the lines of "the Ambassador's receptions are known for their good taste". To add insult to injury, the flipside was a happy hardcore version. I swear to God we're not making this up.


4. Dr Spin 'Tetris' (Carpet)

A cash-in that made 'Trip To Trumpton' sound like 'Strings Of Life', this record was condemned as "really tacky" by no greater authority on the subject than Ray Slinjngaard - aka that bloke out of 2 Unlimited. A hideous dance reworking of the Nintendo theme, this was spawned by the production team who topped the charts two years previously with 'Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini'. But to fully understand the dark forces at work behind this record, you have to look to the credit for "executive producer". Oh Christ, I'll call you back. It's Andrew Lloyd Webber. Honestly.


5. Purple Kings 'That's The Way You Do It' (Positiva)

At one point, it looked as though house music was entering an unholy marriage with guitar rock: successive dancefloor hits sampling Nirvana, Guns N' Roses and even Van Halen. But the Purple Kings plumbed the lowest depths with this cheap Dire Straits knock-off. Has the world ever seen a sadder sight than that of people in a club playing air guitar to the riff from 'Money For Nothing'?


6. Slipstream 'We Are Raving' (Boogie Food)

Another dark moment in Rave's Hall Of Shame. This was Rod Stewart's 70s anthem 'Sailing' re-recorded with an ingenious lyrical change and a breakbeat backing. Popular in Scotland, 'We Are Raving' is the most compelling argument imaginable for the continued illegality of drugs. The video, incidentally, was directed by a struggling indie singer called Jarvis Cocker. FACT!

7. Skin Up - 'Blockbuster' (Love)

Hardcore ravers were masters of subtlety, weren't they? Note the way Skin Up cunningly slipped references to the rave scene's drug of choice into Blockbuster: having a bloke repeatedly shout "GIVE US AN E!" and "GIVE US ANOTHER E!", having backing vocals that go "E! E-E! E! E! E-E! E!" and a particularly good bit where all the music stops and an 'amusing' munchkin voice goes "E 'em up, yum yum! E 'em up, yum-yum!" Oh, go choke on your dummy, you glow-stick brandishing fucknut.


8. Rednex 'Cotton-Eye Joe' (Internal Affairs)

The entire genre of 'banjo house' should be confined to the bargain bin of history. Rednex's 'Cotton Eye Joe' was its apotheosis, a record which made the Grid's teeth-gritting 'Swamp Thing' sound like 'Smokebelch II'. "Been out a bit for Cotton Eye Joe, I been married a long time ago," sang the Swedish vocalist, blissfully unaware that no one had a fucking clue what he was on about.


9. Undercover 'Baker Street' (PWL)

A couple of grizzled mobile DJs hooked up with engineer Steve Mac to add a house-lite twist to the hoary old busker's favourite. Some unfortunate people played air sax while dancing to this record. Undercover went on to produce a house version of a tune by Foreigner before everyone realised how horrible they were.


10. Oceanic 'Insanity' (Dead Dead Good)
Another cynical rave cash-in from Liverpool, this featured the usual lyrics about "madness" and "getting out of it" delivered by a bowel-looseningly terrible voice which was utterly out of tune. The vocalist's live performance on Top Of The Pops traumatised an entire generation.


11. MC Rage 'Fuck Macarena' (label unknown)

DOOF-DOOF-DOOF-DOOF! "Everybody gabber hates the Macarena... fuuuuck the Macarena" DOOF-DOOF-DOOF-DOOF! Lasts for a very long time.


12. DJ Miko 'What's Up?' (Systematic)

"An' I sez HAY-HAY-HAY-AY-HAY! HAY-HAY-HAY! I sez HAY! WHASSS-GOIN' AAAAHN". Remember?


13. Sperminator 'No Women Allowed' (Rotterdam)

In a bizarre act of self-criticism, this gabber tune had a picture of an enormous ejaculating penis on the sleeve. Truly horrible.


14. D-Code feat. Beverli 'Wonderwall' (Neoteric)

Bangin' Euro version of Oasis ballad. Vocals sung by woman with lungs apparently made of iron. Cack.


15. Aqua 'Barbie Girl' (Universal)

Should be #1. nuff said.

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