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By Lore Sjöberg|
02:00 AM Nov, 08, 2006

There have been a lot of concerns about the end-user license agreement for Windows Vista. For instance, once you agree to the license you are not allowed to publish benchmark results without Microsoft's permission, and you can't install Vista on a virtual machine unless you shell out for the pricier version. Well, I've taken a good look at the license agreement -- I had insomnia -- and I've discovered some clauses that will freeze your blood, curl your hair, and do your nails.

Windows Rules: You must agree that the operating system rules. It is suggested, but not required, that you also agree that it rocks. Similarly, you may not access or make use of any feature or application of the operating system without first acknowledging that the feature or application also rules. If asked your opinion of the operating system, you must reply in a loud voice -- or all caps, if communicating in text -- "IT RULES!" accompanied by one or more of the following gestures:

* configuration of the fingers into devil horns
* vigorous head-banging
* a quick "air guitar" gesture
* stage diving
* if communicating using text, no less than five exclamation points

No Apple Computers: This OS may not be installed onto a computer that also houses any version of the Mac OS operating system. It may not be installed onto a computer in the same room as a computer manufactured by Apple Computer. If you use a Mac, you must wash your hands for at least 30 seconds with an antimicrobial soap and rinse thoroughly before using Windows Vista. We reserve the right to fry any iPod plugged into the system so crispy you'll think it was catfish. We have a music player, it's called a Zune, get one.

Transfer of License: While normally we allow free transfer of the Vista license from computer to computer, provided the operating system is uninstalled from the old computer first, we will require the purchase of a new license under the following specific circumstances:

* The original license was obtained from a version of Vista installed on an OEM system
* The new system was purchased more than 18 months after the purchase of the original OS
* The new system requires nonstandard device drivers or upgraded system components
* You have ever called Microsoft tech support for any reason
* The new system is one of those Alienware things, because if you can afford to spend that much to play games you can kick a little cash our way
* You have at least $300 in your bank account

Windows DRM: You may not use this system to remove DRM protection from Microsoft-provided media. "Removing DRM" is defined as stripping out protection, reverse-engineering code, using third-party circumvention software, installing non-DRM versions of DRM media, refusing to purchase our media in the first place, or reading Boing Boing.

Future Licenses: By using Windows Vista, you agree to not only this license, but to any future revisions to this license. You also agree to any future licenses for other products from Microsoft, whether or not you actually purchase them, and to any revisions to those licenses, including terms that require you to agree to other licenses, and revisions to those licenses. You agree that if you attempt to not agree to these licenses, then you automatically agree to yet another license, and it's a lot harsher than this license, so just watch yourself.

Steve Jobs Is a Bozo: You don't have to agree to this. We just felt it needed to be said.

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Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become a sysadmin, a sysop and a systole.