I have been meaning to write this up here since I felt I reached a semi-epiphany while in Mass the other day.

This probably won't be a short read, but I have put considerable thought into this and feel it is a perspective that is never brought up. Also, this is fairly personal by nature, so I hope its not seen as some attempt to please my vanity or to vent. My goal is to try and parallel my personal experiences (not religious) with religious rituals and faith.

I'm sitting in this old church next to my mom, I only go to Mass so she doesn't go by herself on Mass, and I always enjoy watching the rituals of the priest with a half-grin. Having grown up Jewish, I have seen things from the "other side" and while the fundamental beliefs may be different, repetition of long held rituals seem to be at the core of religion (can't speak for Islam).

While I mocked the church goers and priests (silently, of course), this past Mass was far different others. I had just quit a sport, hockey, I had devoted my entire life to. A sport that had with all honestly nearly driven me insane. For the first time in my life I was able to look back at what I was doing while I had played hockey and was amazed at how similar I was to the priest.

I played goalie at a Division 1 school, and was the starter my Freshmen year until I quit. For those unfamiliar with the position or hockey, only the quarterback can come close to a single more powerful and pressured position in any of the team sports.

Although I was always a good goalie, my confidence was never high and at the root of the anxiety which seemed to take over my life at times, was a fear that I would lose my job as the starting goalie. While this may seem trivial, after all it's just a game, sitting on the bench was more embarrassing to me than one could imagine. And so I lived my playing days, and very much so my life, with the fear that at any moment I could lose my job.

With the goalie position, there is far less in your control than say a quarterback. This was perhaps the greatest struggle for me as an athlete, being able to deal with things beyond your control that play with a heavy hand on your fate.

So, to combat this fear and the lack of control, since the time I was about 13 I had developed superstitions. Some were minor, like always making sure I had a freshly taped stick and sharpened skates, but as time went on, and the stakes seemed higher, they came freightengly similar to symptoms of OCD. I should say that outside of hockey I have no superstitions and have no signs of OCD.

I will now run you through my pregame ritual, which I repeated the exact same way, making sure to preform each ritual at the same exact time (to the minute) for the two years of my college career. let me preface this by saying I had a thing with the number 3 (my lucky number), it was basically my personal Jesus.

Before each game I would take a shower, a contrast shower, where I would toggle between extreme heat and extreme cold. I would do 3 times hot 3 times cold. I would then put on my suit, the same suit, and then I would go to my dorm desk and stare out the window until my ride came. I would then go to a store and get a Snickers bar which I had every game (and eat at the same time). I would get to the rink and I would fill up my water bottle. Like some priests, I would always take the same number of sips (always 6 drinks, even if I wasn't that thirsty, and 3 swallows for each drink I took).

Breezing over some tiny rituals, I would then run outside in my workout shorts and paper thing shirt, always the same like a priests robes (keep in mind it was New England and the dead of winter). I would then always run to the woods, or an area with a few trees (sometimes I would have to run pretty far). I would place one leg, always the right, up on the tree as though gaining some Pagan, earthly power from the tree. I would then talk to myself, but always the same words. Always repeating 3 times, "you're a good goalie" at the beginning and then 3 times as the end, "have fun". This reminded me a lot of some chants I had heard while attending synagogue as a kid. I would then run back.

I would also not swallow unless I was drinking water, a purging of sorts. I was deathly afraid of doing anything in a cadence or repetition of a number (4-7), who if I let in that many goals, I could lose my job. I'm not a stupid guy, I attend an Ivy league school, but I honestly felt at times I could predict how many goals I would let in.

I hope that illustrates just how ritualized I had allowed myself to become. But did it work? Absolutely. No matter how much I reassured myself and try to gain confidence and stop the habits that would consume my everyday life, I couldn't do it. I needed something to give me hope, faith (in myself). By repeating the rituals, by having this crutch so to speak, I was able to build a confidence based on the strict following of rules I had made for myself (superstitions) and had full faith that they would help me play well (how ever true that may have been).

After think about all of this, I have come to sympathize and understand where the average religious person is coming from. I have seen a lot of people try to make the assessment of the value of religion to black and white. Especially, I have seen this happen. I just wanted to share the reasons why I can understand why one would turn to religion. In the end do I think you would be better off by being more self-reliant? Of course. However, life isn't always so simple, and I believe for many, it is necessary to have a crutch or some solid foundation to fall back to.

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Lost Souls