Bumper Stickers
Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
Thank You For Pot Smoking.
To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Illiterate? Write For Help
Honk If Anything Falls Off
Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant]
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
Ax Me About Ebonics
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
Boldly Going Nowhere
Cat: The Other White Meat
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
Forget the Whales. Save the Cowboy
I'm From the Government. I'm Here to Help You.
Old Skiers Never Die. They Just Go Downhill.
Money Isn't Everything, but It Sure Keeps the Kids in Touch
My Mother Was a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips
If You Love Jesus Tithe -- Any Fool Can Honk
Black Holes Suck
This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random
Don't steal. The government hates the competition.
Barney is more insidious than Dianetics!
Very Funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over it.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Assassins do it from behind.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
Forget about world peace...visualize using your turn signal.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an idiot
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Love: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Warning: dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie!"... Till you can find a rock.
I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
Auntie Em: hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog....Dorothy
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Unless you're a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep
Montana --- At least our cows are sane!
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
Wink, I'll do the rest!
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
i souport publik edekasion
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Why doesn't Batman have a Batbeeper?
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
All generalizations are false.
I brake for no apparent reason.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
Born free...Taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
No radio - Already stolen.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
 If I miss one i'm SORRY 
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