I've just checked out this cool game on some old ministry magazine CD that asks you to fill in some stuff then writes out a script for big brother. I thought it was halarious! here's my script. Tell me what you think?

Big Brother!

Day 1 - Ferry Corsten admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of Lisa Lashes. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, Anne Savage is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although Tiesto later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality.

2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. Armin Van Buuren creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. Marcella Woods hits him with a fork.

3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of Empire State Building out of Spagetti Bolonaise. After much persuasion by Armin Van Buuren, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task.

4 - Training for the Empire State Building task is well under way. However havoc ensues when Tiesto, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat bastard in the house, eats half the Spagetti Bolonaise. Marcella Woods is furious.

5 - Today is the day when the Empire State Building task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when Tiesto farts and blows Empire State Building over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. Lisa Lashes cries.

6 - Armin Van Buuren gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day.

7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Lisa Lashes admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a fork. Ferry Corsten says he never wears condoms because they make his dick sore and Armin Van Buuren agrees. Anne Savage goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. Tiesto sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Armin Van Buuren.

8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. Ferry Corsten goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Marcella Woods and Lisa Lashes are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for Ferry Corsten.

9 - Marcella Woods and Lisa Lashes are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Anne Savage sings them a song - Will Young-Evergreen - to make them feel better.

10 - The public vote Lisa Lashes out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. Lisa Lashes leaves.

11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with Lisa Lashes's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. Anne Savage has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Marcella Woods is visibly depressed and is comforted by Armin Van Buuren, who tries to touch her on her bush.

12 - The Big Brother pyschologist replays the footage of Armin Van Buuren touching Marcella Woods's bush over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it.

13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Tiesto refuses to run because his dick hurts a bit.

14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. Tiesto finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. Marcella Woods calls Tiesto a lazy dick.

15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. Ferry Corsten tells everyone individually that he thinks Marcella Woods is a whore. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. Marcella Woods and Armin Van Buuren are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for Ferry Corsten.

16 - The nominations are announced. Marcella Woods can't believe she's been voted out two weeks in a row. Armin Van Buuren is equally stunned and turns to Marcella Woods for comfort. Tiesto is distraught and confesses to Anne Savage that he thinks he is in love with Armin Van Buuren. Anne Savage says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, you know

17 - The public vote Armin Van Buuren out of the house. Marcella Woods says she is gutted and even gives Armin Van Buuren a clipping of hair from her bush to prove how much she cares. Tiesto is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. Armin Van Buuren leaves.

18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of Marcella Woods clipping the hair from her bush. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar.

19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of Afganistan in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it.

20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of Afganistan sounds like but Tiesto says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose Ferry Corsten as the one who must complete the task.

21 - Ferry Corsten successfully burps not only the National Anthem of Afganistan but also God Save The Queen, Will Young-Evergreen and the theme tune to Big Brother. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.

22 - Nominations are due and Ferry Corsten tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Tiesto and Anne Savage are nominated.

23 - Tiesto and Anne Savage take their nominations well and sit down with Ferry Corsten and Marcella Woods to discuss why they voted for them. Ferry Corsten keeps quiet but Marcella Woods accuses Tiesto of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred dick before bursting into tears.

24 - The public vote Anne Savage out of the house and nobody really gives a shit. Anne Savage leaves.

25 - Ferry Corsten becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of Ferry Corsten's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a wanker.

26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of Panda dung using only a fork. Ferry Corsten is unsure but Tiesto is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget.

27 - Completely out of the blue, Tiesto breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the Panda incident from his childhood. Marcella Woods tries to persuade him to stay but Ferry Corsten sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. Tiesto decides to leave.

28 - With only two housemates remaining, the Panda dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by Marcella Woods from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden.

29 - Nominations are due for the final time. Ferry Corsten asks Marcella Woods to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly Ferry Corsten nominates Marcella Woods to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does Marcella Woods.

30 - When the nomination is announced, Marcella Woods graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that Ferry Corsten is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. Ferry Corsten takes his œ70,000 and runs away to Afganistan. Nobody, including Marcella Woods, ever sees him again.

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"The only thing I'm high on is Love for my Son and Daughters. Yes, a little LSD is all I need."
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