I dunno what it is...but they never learn. A while back I posted a story about me and a raccoon going to war over my pet's food in the garage. Well, here we go again.. about 5 minutes ago.


So I got home late after stopping by the titty bar an ex worked at to fuck with her friends, and went in the garage to get the food before other critters (probably with rabies) came in and helped themselves.

Too late. A possum almost as big as that goddamn raccoon was helping himself. I stepped forward to run his ass off but that bitch hissed so loud spit came halfway across the room. Okay...last time I got in a knife fight with the raccoon, and I damn sure and fucking with this. Alright, that's all good, I got something for ya that made the same example out of your coon friend.

I grabbed two things from my room. The 1911 .45 and the bottle of Jack. Remember the "My Buddy" doll way the hell back in the day? Well see the bottle of Jack Daniel's kinda works the same way. Wherever I go, he goes. Already buzzed from the titty bar I stumbled out the the garage with the gun and the Jack and close the door to minimize the noise. Sure enough....the lil ******s still there eating the damn food.

*click* in chambers a round. Lined up the sights and the laser dot center mass annnnnnnd *CRACK* Damnit! Hit him in the leg but at least it wasn't a miss. I take another swig. If I'm not mistaken this is what Jack Nicholson drank in The Shining. Ironically, I'm watching this thing screech and try to make his escape with a fucked up leg as my sociopathic side surfaces.

I took a another long pull from the bottle and set it back down. The world moved in slow motion as I walked across the room as he was crawling toward the closed garage hatch he came in through. Crunch went the femur on his other leg when I pinned him down with my boot and put the tip of the barrel against its eye. "Game Over." Execution style, just like the chinese do.

Since the trash came already, I dont need this thing stinking up and collecting maggots for a week. So...*chunck* right over the back fence. Somehow this song was playing in my head the entire time: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcsR...feature=related *shrug*

*bow*

Now...before anyone flips the fuck out, you had a choice to read this. If any animal rights activist got offended by this, then I very cordially invite you to tell someone who gives a shit. That person is not me.

The late possum was found guilty on multiple counts of federal trespassing and larceny. As the possum showed hostile intent and made no attempt to vacate said premises, said possum was summarily executed for his crimes. Hopefully this will serve as a warning and deterrent against future invaders. Meanwhile I make have to work on my accuracy while drinking. And before I get any lectures on firearms and alcohol...Im certain the two went hand in hand in the old west and they did just fine. So in total:

Matthias: 2
Invading vermin: 0
Total shots fired: 3

Last edited by Matthias on Jan-13-2010 at 03:22