~When you are sad, I will give you a beer, slap you, and say, "Cry me a fucking river you fat fucking baby... Now drink up."

~When you are scared, I will comfort you... and try to convince you that they will not search the trunk.

~When you are worried, I will buy not one but two thirty packs. That ought to hold us until 8pm.

~When you are lost, I will lead you back to your room... so that you can pass out with your boy/girlfriend and they can take care of you.

~When you are hungry, I will be a true friend... and keep you from adding on to your fat ass and hide the post-drinking munchies.

~When you are delirious with superhuman strength, I will sit your ass on the couch... and keep you from getting your drunk ass kicked..

~When you are confused, I will explain to you how sometimes ugly people look like supermodels when you are drunk.


*This is my oath... I pledge until the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my beer drinking friend!

NOW DRINK-UP!