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| quote: | 10 Lessons from the new Karate Kid
The most amusing thing about the Holy Roman Empire, as Voltaire pointed out, is that it wasn't holy, Roman, or for that matter, an empire. The same can be said about the new film Karate Kid. Firstly, it isn't about Karate - the film takes place in China and they reckoned it would be more sensible to have him learn Kung Fu, like everyone else in the country (lesson #1: Everyone in China knows Kung Fu). Also, it isn't about a kid, but about a spoilt brat who just so happens to be labelled as a kid in more tolerant quarters (lesson #2: American kids are unruly by default). I take "Kung Fu Brat" didn't really sound catchy, so they decided to revamp the old franchise instead. As I'm going to talk about the things I learnt from this film, be aware that the following paragraphs contain spoilers. Lots of them.
The brat moves from Detroit to Beijing with the worst possible attitude: He strangely claims to hate all things China but on his first day in Asia he's smitten with puppy love for the very first girl he seems to spot on the street. I'm serious, I don't think I saw another girl in the film for quite a few minutes after that, and he's head over heels about this (surprise!) shy violinist who spends her days listening to Bach at the park. The pinnacle of discipline, the girl is all about the violin (lesson #3: Thanks to Vanessa Mae, we all know Chinese girls are all about the Violin)... until, that is, she sees our exotic brat get his arse kicked first at basketball, then at ping pong, and - after showing her "his moves" after a guy he just met dared him to - he gets literally beaten up (lesson #1: Everyone in China knows Kung Fu, specially kids). Love at first sight. Also, I was rather puzzled about Jackie Chan's silence in the beginning. At least in Rush Hour, his initial silence was used for comical purposes. Here he's just... creepy.
The fact that he got beaten up so quickly is a very interesting thing in itself. Thanks to the One-Child Policy, I assume, there's been a shortage of girls in China, so it's understandable that the girl this brat fancies is the only girl within a 2-kilometre radio. And, when the other brats notice they're about to lose their only chance to perpetuate the species to this clumsy foreigner, they get all riled up and abuse both the girl (who was innocently listening to Bach) and the brat (should this be lesson #4? They didn't gang up on that other kid, but he apparently didn't talk to the forbidden girl either... I'll just let this one slide). However, they complain she isn't studying the moment she takes the ear buds away from her auditory system and proceed to cleverly throw her score sheets away so she can spend even more time studying as she has to write her music all over again... or something of that sort.
And then something very strange happens. Our cocky and rebel brat suddenly becomes afraid and learns Kung Fu so he can get the girl back. Well, actually, he wants to have just his chances with the girl back, because the most intimate moment they shared was a rather unique one (lesson #4: Chinese girls love curly hair... but I already knew that) and their relationship is virtually non-existent. And, after this eye-opening (and arse-kicking) experience, he suddenly learns there are cool things about China. Such as beating other people up with the powers of Kung Fu. China, tā mā de shì a! So he has Jackie Chan teach him (refer to lesson #1) even though his self-esteem and his delusions of grandeur seem to be intact. Perhaps that should be lesson #5: Americans aren't ever humble. Ever.
Then there's the one strange thing about discipline in this film: whereas the American brat is a rebel without a cause, all the Chinese kids obey everyone uncritically (lesson #6: Discipline is everything unless you're from Detroit). The girl is told to play the violin so she does, no questions asked. When the brat is taught the concept of 物极必反 (Wù Jí Bì Fǎn) our (until then) linguistically impaired anti-hero suddenly grasps the ulterior meaning behind this expression and has some fǎn with the girl (lesson #7: Americans can't learn Chinese, the language itself is a Great Wall). At least, that's what her parents would say. The "fun" moments they shared were a hindrance to her superior music skills, going against (反 all she stands for. Her parents congratulate her for her performance, her teacher leaves the room ashamed, and she breaks up with him. If my daughter had performed poorly in her entrance examination for the Beijing Academy of Music (or, as the brat put it, BAM!), I wouldn't have reacted like that. Oh, and the bullies? They aren't bed. They're just told to wreak havoc whenever possible and leaves them off the hook (refer to lesson #6). It wasn't their idea.
And the film pretty much just develops from this. But the really amusing thing at the end is that thought the brat is an utter newcomer, he beats everyone else at their own game. Not just one kid. Or two. He defeats a phalanx of disciplined and somewhat obsessed fighters who have been practising for years... whereas he had the guidance of Jackie Chan for a much briefer period of time. I think these are lessons #8 and #9: Newcomers always win (specially if they're completely alien to the customs and whatnot) and don't ever doubt the power of people with moustache. What was his family drama all about anyway? Was Jackie Chan supposed to be the father the brat no longer had, and was the brat replacing the deceased child? For a while I thought hell would break loose if the wise handyman got together with the brat's mother in her full ghettoness, but I'm relieved to say that didn't happen. THAT would be a true dragon fight! And, this is it, the end.
The #10 lesson? Make sure you always go to the cinema with good company: though the film is okay, laughing at it is much better. |
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