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This is an interesting track.
I think the vocal may be a little too loud for the rest of the track but I like the idea.
At this moment in time it sounds like a very safe middle of the road track and appart from the vocal idea everyting else is a little generic.
If I was working on this I would try and give this a bit more attitude, although I can see that you are focusing on the story telling aspect of this track rather than the must dance to this type thing, but it would be an awesome idea if you could acheive both, by way of perhaps creating a more in your face type percussion and having specific sections where he tells the story, perhaps in line with Sagat's 'Funk Dat' type thing. So when bass and beats resume focus on some key words that he just said and use them as your hook.
I have heard this vocal before and I forget where, but it's good.
thanks for sharing and look forward to hearing this develop.
cheers
Nem
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https://www.mixcloud.com/Calvin_Karass/
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