|
Guaranteed laugh joke marathon
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.
Ten were men and one was a woman. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go.
Finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return.
When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.
-----------------------
A man called up a lawyer and asked him, "How much do you charge for three questions?"
"Five Hundred dollars", came the reply.
Man! Dont you think that is too much?
"Yeah", said the lawyer, "And whatz your third question?"
-----------------------
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."
"Well," the doctor replied, "Go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness."
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response.
He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply.
He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
-----------------------
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'." 
-----------------------
Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways.
The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.
The first girl claims that she was the drunkest saying, " I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."
The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!".
The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!".
The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."
-----------------------
A man is about to have sex with a really fat woman, so he climbs on
top of her. "Can I turn the ceiling light off?" he asks. "Why?" she
replies, "Are you feeling a bit shy?" "No," he says, "because it's
burning my ass!"
-----------------------
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation.
They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to
contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.
Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck.
True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world
exactly 30 days later.
At the séance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear
me?"
A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's
beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the
time."
"What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before
sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love
until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until
about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11
p.m."
Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a
rabbit in Arizona."
-----------------------
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after
staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar,
walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began
fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought
you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she
screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
-----------------------
|
