A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him"

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A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class area on
a plane. The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off.
The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is
hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his penis and
wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She cant believe
that such a rude person exists.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his penis out
and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to
the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've
removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind
of degenerate are you?"

The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, maam. I have a
very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"

The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

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A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat, was riding a toy fire truck down the street. The truck was being pulled by a beautiful Labrador Retriever.
Unfortunately, the rope was tied around the dog's privates, and as a
consequence, the truck was going very slowly. A man walking down the street noticed how slowly the boy was being pulled and gently said to him, "You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog's neck."

The boy nodded in agreement and said, "But then there wouldn't be a siren"

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A man walks into a Doctors office. He has
a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his
left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"Whats the matter with me Doc?" he asked.

"You're not eating properly!" replied the Doctor.

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A father asked his son, Little Ricky, if he
knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Ricky said,
exploding and bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asked Little Ricky what
was wrong.
"Oh Pop," Ricky sobbed, "for me there was no
Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at
seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if
you're telling me now that grownups don’t
really fuck, I've got nothing left to
believe in!"

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The Praying Parrot

A middle aged woman lived alone except for her pet, a male parrot. The woman was very proud of her parrot because it would sit in the bottom of its cage, cross its wings, and pray. She was also a devout church goer and would often brag to the congregation about her faithful parrot.

One day the women was boasting about her parrot's prayers. An older
gentleman was simply amazed by this. "I have a female parrot and she's just terrible. My son raised her and all she does is curse. She's the most foul mouthed creature I've ever heard," he sighed. "Maybe if we put my parrot with your parrot he would teach mine how to pray and stop cursing so much."

The woman readily agreed to this and a few days later the gentleman brought his parrot by. The woman's parrot sat praying in the bottom of the cage as they placed the female inside with him.

The parrot instantly stopped praying, hopped up, looked the female over and shouted, "Hot damn!! This is what I've been praying for!!"

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THE OPERA

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."