A woman was drying herself after a shower when she suddenly slipped
over and landed spread legged on the bathroom floor. She tried to
stand
up again but then she realized that she had landed so hard that her
pussy
has stuck to the floor, creating such a vacuum that she couldn't move.
She
called out to her husband for help, and he rushes in and tried with
all his strength
to lift her up, but she just wouldn't budge. So he went next door and
got the neighbor.
Both of them start pulling her arms with all their strength, but she
just wouldn't budge.
She was well and truly stuck to the floor.
Suddenly the neighbor said, "Why don't we just get a hammer and break
the
tiles around her legs and lift her that way?"
"Great idea, mate" says the husband, "but just let me rub her tits a
little so I can
push her over into the kitchen. The tiles are cheaper in there."

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A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A
sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he
knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets
stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of
his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his
hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge
and ran out of gas....

--------------------

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some
sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him
about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some
sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats
behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a
huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats
excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES,
YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good!" said the first bat, "Because I fucking didn't"

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While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.

"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

"That is the talking clock," the man replied.

"How's it work?" the friend asked.

"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear- shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"