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Jokes part 9 (rated R)
guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out. The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again.
So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow-job for 5 dollars!"
The guy there says, "OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin."
"What's a penguin?"
"You'll see!!!"
So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin." Soon, a prostitute comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job. Just as he's about to loose his load, she stops and walks away.
Now, the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting, "HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!?"
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A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead.
The guy says "OK," and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.
Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it.
He returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise.
The guy says, "OK," and goes back to the drug store and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if having sex makes you sick, how come you keep doing it?"
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The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo. The woman cocked her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door. "What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.
"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you," she replied with a knowing smile.
"Great," he said, "I'll just step into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes." Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.
"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.
"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied.
"But.. but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.
The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little bastards!"
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Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant.
One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks "Why the panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black condom?"
He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences."
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This woman is in labor. Everything is going fine, and suddenly the nurse exclaims, "I can see his head!"
Sure enough, the baby peeks out, but then he sees this nurse, gets scared, and ducks back in.
After a few moments, he pops his head out and looks around the room again. This time, he sees the doctor, gets scared, and ducks back in.
A few more minutes pass, and the baby reluctantly peeks out again. This time, he sees his father.
Suddenly, he reaches out and starts poking the father on his forehead and says, "How do you like that, asshole!??"
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hehe, these are excellent!
