|
Jokes part 28 :-D
Three brothers left the ghetto, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she can't see very well. I sent her an exotic parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him and I had to pledge to contribute $10,000 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: She wrote the first son, "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." She wrote the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" She wrote the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!
-------------
Three men are sitting, wrapped in towels in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. One of the gentlemen, Tim, presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly. "That's my pager, " he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rings. Another gentleman, Max, lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes talking, he explains, "That's my cell phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The last gentleman, Dave, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper emerging from his butt. The others raise their eyebrows at him. Invoking the best poker face he can master, he explains, "I'm getting a Fax."
-------------
It's the first day of school in Houston and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their fathers do for a living. The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman." The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic." Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men." The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the schoolyard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad is an auditor for Arthur Andersen and I was just too embarrassed to say so."
-------------
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said "Look friend, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
-------------
A man was driving in his car when all of the sudden a rooster ran out in front of him. He tried to miss it, but unfortunately ran over the rooster and killed it. He decided that he should go tell the farmer, so he got out of his car and walked across the road to the farm. He walked up to the front door and knocked. The farmer came to the door and the man said, "I'm afraid I've killed your rooster, please let me replace him." The farmer said, "Please yourself, the hens are out the back."
-------------
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, she demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about very well!"
-------------
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again. "Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun. "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about a foot from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the FUCKING putt, didn't you?"
|
