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Jokes part 31
The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception
and demanded his room be changed.
"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best
room in the hotel."
"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.
"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to
555. Would you mind telling me why you don't
like 502?" asked the clerk.
"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's
on fire."
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A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he was hit and thrown to the side of the tracks, with some internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After months in the hospital recovering, he was at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly heard the teakettle whistling. He grabbed a baseball bat from the nearby closet and bashed the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushed into the kitchen, saw what had happened, and asked the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?" The desert man replied, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."
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A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing. For weeks she read and studied every book, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit. When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!" Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!" Amazed, the blonde wasn't quite sure what to do, as this certainly wasn't covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly -- tools in the right place, chair positioned just so, everything. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again, "There are no fish under the ice!" Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked "Is that you Lord?" The voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating rink!"
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The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper.
The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me fuck you for a dollar?"
"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper.
A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me fuck you for a million dollars?"
After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper.
A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me fuck you for five dollars?"
"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"
"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"
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This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room.
When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror.
After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed. The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her.
He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.
He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."
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