I live in Bath (I don't any more, but it's near enough for me to pretend). Bath has 85,000 people living in it. It's also 30 minutes from Bristol. Because of this, Bath loses out when it comes to investment, shops, leisure facilities, places of interest, clubs, bars, parks, record shops and museums. However, it does have two things going for it. One is a 250 foot crane right in the centre of town which is helping to finish the £20m Bath Spa project, and the other is a feature that perhaps is even more of a blotch on the landscape than a big red crane.

Let me put it this way. The crane is British, and thin. Fat Americans, by definition, are fat (and American). Quite simply, these people can referred to as FATs - Fat American Tourists. When acting strangely, these people can be referred to as Totally Weird American Tourists (TWATs). These fat Americans are not thin. I have some stories to tell you about their fatness.

You may think Dave Pearce is fat. Roxanne once told me there are two ways of spelling fat: P-H-A-T and P-H-T. And she was sober as well, so there really isn't ANY explanation, but that's got nothing to do with being fat, or American. I just thought it was funny.

Anyway, Bath, being a rather tourist-based city (10% of the population are tourists, which gives us two tourists to every student), what with the Roman Baths, Pump Rooms etc, is a bit chocka with tourists. However, unlike Bath's poor imitation, York (and Chester, to some extent, as it's the only city in the country that has a wall running the entire length of it's boundaries), there isn't actually an "off" season for tourists. There are always the same number at any and every time of the year. The number, as you may have seen coming, is just too many.

Well, I say that, but the thing is that there aren't actually that many of them. It's just that they take up so much room. Unlike running shorts men, who run past, get in the way, and run off, FATs just stand everywhere, having their photo taken. All day. I tell you, these FATs are just fat and stupid. I got on my bus to come home one day, FAT gets on with his wife. Conversation with bus driver as follows (must be accompanied by whining American accent for effect):

"Can we get tickets to Wells on this bus?" Wells being the destination illuminated in day-glo yellow on the front of the bus

"Yes, it's the end of the line."

"Can we come back?" A fairly unnecessary question, I think you'll agree

"Yes, you can get return tickets."

"OK............(gap long enough to actually drive to Wells and come back).................how much are they?"

"£5 each." Seeing as the journey takes about two hours in each direction

"Five pounds Harry. How much is that?"

"Ten dollars! Oh my gosh, this is daylight robbery."



Ok, £5 return for a 90 mile round trip, taking two FATs increasing fuel consumption twelvefold. Err.....

Just one of the many FAT stories I could tell you. How stupid, and how fat? Very, and, er, very. Honestly, when I used to walk to work from the bus station I was sometimes late because I would just get held up behind these Highway Code-infringing visitors (no "Wide Load" signs) and couldn't get past.

Working in a supermarket warehouse I do, unfortunately (and mainly to get home) have to walk across the shop floor, where someone always wants to know where the Icelandic John West pickled organic smoked kipper cockles are, which I can smile and help out with. Fat American walks in, asks where the post office is. Are you getting my point?

I was crossing Pultney Bridge one day (the only bridge in the Northern Hemisphere to have shops on it - wow, Fox knows trivia) and a FAT came up to me and asked..........honestly, I tell no lie, where Pultney Bridge was. They didn't even know they were on a bridge because they couldn't see over the edge (there being shops on either side). Oh. My. God.

These are not isolated cases. FATs are fat and stupid. I know some Americans, and the majority are fat, and all are stupid. And American. They can't even spell properly. Just look at Pearl Harbor: If they leave out the "U" once then we can let them get away with it, but it's actually HOW THEY SPELL. So why they have to come to Bath and try to infect our population seems like a hideous practical joke. I don't like these fat people in my city all year round. Can't they get lost at the same time all the students come back?

And you thought jumbo jets were designed to carry more people....

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