That girl i LOVED is now GONE....personal vent.,
This is my own personal vent…..no need to respond cus not even my friends and family can ease this pain.
So you know that girl I was telling u guys about not too long ago?…the one who possessed the most beautiful qualities a girl could have?….the one who was thoughtful, caring, loving, smart, funny, intrigueing, graceful, trustworthy, sincere, and that liked me so much?
Well about 4 days ago this wonderful human being told me this:
“I am growing such strong feelings for you, and I am too busy in my life to deal with something so serious, considering my work and family situation, so I don’t think we should see each other anymore, I need time”
that is what she said to me….after she built me up higher then any other girls I have ever encountered in my entire existence…She made me fall in love with her….madley and head over heals.
Here is just a glimmer of what I felt like when I was with her…I will try and make you see…how she took me to a place like no other….every time I was in her presence this is what it felt like.---à
Picture yourself on an Australian beach, with pure white sand and crystal blue waters.
Picture yourself in a green meadow with the most wonderful spring flowers.
Picture yourself at the ultimate trance party with your favorite DJs
Picture yourself driving the care of your dreams
Picture yourself on cloud 9 or 7th heaven.
Picture yourself at every sunrise and set on the Mediterranean(sp?)
Picture yourself waking up in peace
Picture yourself in Utopia.
Picture yourself walking on freshly cut grass barefoot
Picture yourself without any fears.
Picture yourself with the girl of your dreams
Picture yourself surrounded by the worlds most precious arts
Picture yourself during a fresh snowfall
Picture yourself floating on your back on a lake on a summers day
Picture yourself so in love that sex meant nothing…it didn’t have to be.
Picture yourself surrounded by joy day in and day out.
Picture yourself listening to the most beautiful love song ever written.
Picture yourself reading the most sincere love poem.
Now that u have pictured the above wonderful things, multiply that by infinity, take it to the depths of forever…and you will NEVER have an idea of how Tania made me feel in her presence….she was the most wonderful human being I ever met….
Last night I pain stakingley called her….not sure why, knowing she said needed time to sort some things out…..but I did….and this person told me she met someone knew the previous night….i died.
I asked her
“how could you do this?”,
“How could you tell me I was the best guy for you then do this?”
“How do you not care anymore?”
I was devistated…my heart shattered in a million pieces….i cryed and cryed until 7am, pounding beer after beer until I eventually passed out….
I had actually called her earlier in the evening last night….and she did not answer her cell phone…..she told me why…and it was because she was talking with HIM…..
How oh how…can soemone speak so much to me then have a complete disregard towards me?…I never lied to her, I never made her cry, I never would of hurt her, she said she was falling in love with me….now she is with someone new…..she KNEW when I called her early when she was out with him that I was upset….and I gather she didn’t care and was enjoying her time with this new guy.
I contimplated finding him and smacking him around…but then I have to remember it is not his fault…it is hers…..
I can not began to to explain the pain I have inside right this very second….it is dreadfull……
How can she tell me all those wonderful things she loved about me, tell me she wanted to spend along time with me, tell me I was her dream come true, …then in less then a weeks time go on without a care.
Maybe I am too sensitive.,…maybe I have a heart…but I know DAM FUCKING REAL…that if anyone was upset over me and in tears begging to talk to ease the pain…I WOULD NEVER deny them that….NEVER….i deserve to know why…..
What scares me now is wondering how can I believe another girl when she says wonderful things….i really really thought this girl Tania was the on for me….i saw us together for all time…she was the girl of my dreams……
It is such a scarey feeling knwoing tonight as I lie and cry, she will be out with this person having fun and laughing without any regard to me…..how do people do that…..
Why did she tell me she needed fucking time…I guess that was a nice way of saying it is over…but I assume when it all comes down to it…everything she said and did was a down right lie….
Nothing is worse then wanting the girl of your dreams…except for knowing she doesn’t want you and is with someone else……
All my friends when we go out pick up girls left and right….but when I was with her I saw noone but her….i wanted noone but her…..i breathed all her air…she was my long lost other half…she made me feel like soemthing I cant describe….
When I hung up the phone with her…she said she was tired and had to go…..i told her I would not make it 24 hours with this pain….and I am scared it might be true….with every second my tears grow stronger…..my heart grows weaker…..i actually almost gave in……I beg to God all mighty to help me get through this…..
it hurts knowing she is hugging him, kissing him, telling him the things i want to hear.....god this sucks....
i know everyone says time is the only healer...but time is standing still.....
I wanna call her...so so bad....but all i will do is ask over and over again..."why.why.why.why"......and no matter what her response is i will not be satisfied.....i gather there are NO answers that she can give me to make me better....only thing would be to have her near in my arms telling me she was wrong and wants to stay.
But that is a dream....
I can not sleep and i can not eat, i dont want to go out, i dont wanna listen to trance...i have lost all interest.
So while i cry myself to sleep...this precious girl will smile herself to sleep.....God that is the worse....
I dont nuderstand why people are cruel when it comes to matters of the heart....a heart is the most delicate thing anyone can possess....a heart is something that can give all the riches and all happiness.....yet she treads on it like it is nothing.
This girl was so perfect...i kid you not...here is what i wrote about her in another thread....
GOOD POINTS ABOUT HER:
1. Smart – I can hold a conversation with her about ANYTHING…from politics to music to cars to life to money…you name it……she has valid points and unbeleivable input in all conversations…
2. Caring – I sometimes get panic attacks…and with her I had one…and she took my hand and I SWEAR TO GOD made me feel better in less then 5 seconds….she always asks me how I am and if I feel ok….the type of girl you would not be embarresed to cry with…very sweet and always ready to listen to my problems.
3. Unselfish – I started jogging again and told her one day that I don’t like to do it because I cant listen to music…and I could not buy a cd player…so next thing I know 2 days later she gives me hers that she used all the time….and I begged her to take it back..but she would not…always thinking of others.
4. Shows Interest – She is not into trance…but whne she new I was she totally began to ask me about Tiesto..and I dotn mean like most girls where they ask a few questions just to humour you…I mean she asked me where he was from, how long has he been djing, why I like him, whats my favorite song…then “SHE” wanted me to teach her the difference between prog, uplifting, tech etc etc…I said why do u wanna know…and she said “because u show so much passion for it”…I almost dropped dead…too sweet…she is also dying to come see Tiesto and watch my videos…she is alsways asking me about him and the music….she also shows interest in my dancing…I dance Liquid and I pop…and she actually wants to learn how so we can do it together….she already started a few things…blew my mind away.
5. Independent(sp?) – She holds 2 jobs and goes to college…..she basicaly supports her family because her father is gone …so this girl has a condo under her name….definatley has her head on her shoulders…..
6. Innocent – she is 20 and has only had sex with 3 guys…far from a slut…which is very good….
7. Faithful – She dated her exboyfriend for 3 years and NEVER cheated on him…
8. Trustworthy – Since she never cheats I can trust her to be faithful…and for some reson I can sense she wont lie to me…I have extreme trust in her,…which I may add I have never had in ANY girl before.
NOW….that is just a GLIMPSE of what is GREAT about her…but
I must force on you that she is with out a doubt the kindess, sweetess and most loving girl I have ever met in my life…and I am not joking….
As far as personality goes …you could not ask for a better one…she is what guys DREAM of having…
NOW how am i supposed to go on??????????????
How do i let someone who has or maybe i should say HAD those qualities...all the things she is and was are gone...
HOW...someone PLEASE tell me HOW....a person who showed all of herself to me and had everything above can turn so COLD so fast??????????????????????????????????????????????
it makes absolutley NO SENSE to me or anyone i know....
i guess i can ramble on and on about this...and it will only bring me back to the inevitable question WHY....which has no answer i suppose......
I guess some people are cruel and lie....but i never did anything to deserve this...all i did was love her....
HERE IS MY FINAL POEM TO HER…..
-Do you know how sometimes you get that feeling
-Like this time I’m sure it’s for real?
-Do you know how sometimes you think you have control of things
-That you are most certain to know how you feel?
-Do you know how it feels to listen to every word
-Or recall every touch you shared?
-Do you know how it feels to have someone for your world
-Someone to rescue you when you are lost and scared?
-Do you know how it feels to be afraid all the time
-Of the other person making you cry?
-That you’ll be forced to say such things
-As don’t leave, I’m sorry, and finally goodbye?
-Do you know how it feels to find someone special
-A love like that which is so hard to find?
-Do you know how it feels to be madly in love
-And then cruely be left behind?
-Do you know how it feels to rush things up
-Afraid everything will pass too soon?
-Do you know the feeling of complete emptiness
-When your beloved one leaves the room?
-Do you know how courageous one must be
-To pick himself up on his feet?
-Do you know how hard it is to find away
-To again normally eat and sleep?
-Do you know how it feels to have your heart crushed
-Yet you still have such string feelings, isn’t it just silly?
-Do you know what that does to a person?
-Do you really?
To Tania my first, my last, my everything.
why did you do this to me???
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Bring back 1994 NYC clubbing nights, cus the sh*t today is filled with junk parties and DJs that play sh*t House.....Zabiela, Sander, or Howells and all the rest suck and couldnt throw a night like it was in the early 90s in NYC!!!...Screw Twilo - give me Limelight circa 1993!!!
Last edited by tiesto14 on Dec-11-2002 at 18:38
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