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Jokes part 101 (extra spicy ones)
"I got married," said the first tavern regular, "so that I could get laid three or four times a week."
"That's funny," said another patron. "That's why I got divorced."
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A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students to sketch a naked man. As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches he noticed that a sexy young coed had sketched the man with an erect penis.
The professor commented, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way."
She replied, "What other way?"
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A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot answers the guy's question, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me." "I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh, yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the price tag. $200. He says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20, just make an offer."
The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathises, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," andmotions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not", says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman..."
"What?" says the guy. "What?"
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy. "Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.
"My God!!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts slowly going down and down..." The parrot pauses for a long time ...
"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"I don't know," says the parrot, "My dick got hard and I fell off my perch."
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A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help.I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied."I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
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What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"It's nice, but can it pick up peanuts?"
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An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, "I don't know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market crashed, and I'm afraid we're broke."
The wife says, "No, we're not. Let's go for a drive into town."
Husband replies, "Our savings are all gone and you want is to go for a drive? Oh well, whatever. I guess you're crazier than me." So off they go into town.
When they get there the wife points and says, "See that office building? We own that."
Husband thinks his wife is nuts so he mumbles something unintelligible and drives to the next area of the city, which just happens to be the richest part of town.
Wife says again pointing, "See those five houses? We own those."
Husband is now sure his wife is certifiably crazy so he says, "What makes you think we own all this property?"
Wife replies, "Remember when we first got married and for jokes you would give me $5.00 every time we had sex? Well, I kept the money and invested it and 20 years later this is what has become of it all. Not bad, eh?"
Husband says, "Dammit woman, if I'd known you were this good with money I'd have probably given you all my business."
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A hacker went up to a club pro and challenged him to 18 holes of golf for $100. There was one catch, though -- the hacker gets two Gotcha's.
The club pro, with his attitude, said, "No problem. Whatever the heck Gotcha's are, I'll still kick your behind all over the course.
After the round, the two walked into the clubhouse. Others were stunned to see the club pro pay the hacker $100. They asked the pro how it happened.
He remarked, "Well, when I was teeing off on the first hole, right in the middle of my backswing, he reached between my legs, grabbed my balls and yelled, 'Gotcha!' And you have no idea what it is like playing 18 holes waiting for the second Gotcha..."
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Fred himself unable to satisfy his blonde wife. He tried hundreds of methods but just wasn't able to do the job. He finally went to his best friend and asked for advice. His friend told him not to worry because he knew a method that was 100% successful.
He says, "Hire a big strong guy to stand near your bed and waving a huge towel over both of you while you are having sex. This way your wife will be stimulated and have an orgasm."
The guy hired the strong man, but all efforts were in vain. He went back to his friend and told him what happened. So his friend suggested that they switch places.
"Why don't you wave the towel while the strong man does the job in bed," says the friend. Poor Fred agreed, and said that he would do anything to satisfy his wife. He hired the same guy again and this time they traded positions. Naturally, the blonde had a divine orgasm.
The husband leaned over to the strong guy and said, "You see!! That's how you wave the towel!"
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