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Jokes part 104
An Indian girl walked into a general store and asked
the clerk for some toilet paper. So the clerk says,
"Well, we have two brands of toilet paper: Toilet
Paper Royal and the generic kind which doesn't have
a name."
So the Indian girl asks, "What's the difference?", to
which the clerk replies, "The generic brand is cheaper."
So the Indian girl buys the generic brand and walks home.
The next day she walks into the store with the roll of
toilet paper and says, "I have found a name for this
toilet paper."
Curious the clerk says, "Well what is it?"
And the girl replies, "John Wayne, because it's rough
and it's tough and it don't take no crap from Indians."
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A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach
contemplating how badly screwed she got over the divorce
settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore.
She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!!
The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles
to him. As a consolation, the genie informs that he will
give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because
he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband
ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly
fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for
a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds
herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills.
The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the
recipient of 10 billion dollars.
The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her
second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion
on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it
was granted, but the genie then reminds gain that her
ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points
down the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate
her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on
her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make
the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie
again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times
what she wishes for.
No problem, said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. For
my last wish... "Id like to give birth to twins".
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A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground
rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth
operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his
inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and
was given a gun.
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after
tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on
inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three
bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of
glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of
what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a turtle.
The drunk wandered off into the crowd.
An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once
again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and
once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt.
Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general
direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more
he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker
with good eyesight.
"That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"
The showman, cursing his luck, made a play of going over to the target
anfd inspecting it closely.
"Yes Sir!" , he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic!
Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent
68-piece set of glassware"
"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another
one of those delicious crusty meat pies".
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A boy came home and found his mother in bed, semi-nude,
caressing herself and screaming: "I want a man! I need
a man!"
The next few days the same event took place. A week
later, when he came home he's seen a man in his mother's
bed.
This evening his mother passed by his room and seen
him laying in bed, semi-nude caressing himself and
screaming: "I want a bicycle! I need a bicycle!"
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Accompanying her mother to the hairdressers a little girl
was unwrapping a toffee when she accidentally dropped it on
the floor. As she bent down to pick it up and pop it into
her mouth, the man who was styling her mothers hair shrieked
in horror "Do you know you've got hair all over your sweetie ?"
"Yes," she replied, "and i am only nine!"
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The raddled old prostitute had seen better days,
"Want a good time dearie?" she asked a passing sailor
"Well, er, i only have got a fifty pence piece" He said
"That's ok, dear" she said "I've got change"
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"Dad! Dad!" shouted the little boy running excitedly
into the living room "I've got my eye on a bike for
my birthday!"
Without looking up his father said "Well, Son, Keep
your eye on it, as you'll never get your arse on it!"
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