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Operation Think With Imaginary Penis
What do you guys and gals think of this chick???
I don't know what to think. 
"Operation Think With Imaginary Penis"
By Denise Berger
2/24/03
I’ve recently cast myself back into the single world after listening to my single girlfriends bitch and moan about not having a man. I was frightened but anxious at the same time. I had longed for the days of going out with my girls and not having to “check in”. I missed kissing boys that I hardly knew. I yearned for drunken make out sessions with my friends. I was frightened though; a drunken make out session with a friend is how I fell into a yearlong relationship. I knew I needed a different strategy. I have a couple of girlfriends who feel like they need a man. Women often find themselves incomplete if there’s no significant other. The more I thought about this, the more I realized that the key to success in single hood as a woman is to reverse all of my conditioned thinking. For instance, when a man starts to show that he really likes you, run for the hills. Don’t get giddy and call your friends and say “Oh my god! He’s falling in love with me!” Instead, call your friends and say, “This walking vagina won’t leave me alone.” Just start acting like a man. A straight, red blooded, twenty something, I’ll fuck you then leave you before my semen is done drying on your chin kinda guy.
I was both excited and nervous to test out my theory. I got straight to work. I wasn’t single for 72 hours before I was making out in a bathroom with an acquaintance. I had ignored him most of the night. I knew my plan was working when I went to leave and he pouted and asked me to stay. I couldn’t help but laugh like Dr. Evil the entire way home. He ended up in my bed the following night. Mistake number one was not kicking him out after I’d had my fill. Instead, we cuddled and slept off our hangover almost the entire day. Everything I’ve been taught about being a single woman came flooding back. I was vulnerable and I didn’t like it. I proceeded to degrade him in front of my roommates by asking which one of them would like their turn with the slut next. I felt a little better but I was confused. I had had a great time with this guy. So I made mistake number 2 and called him a few days later. Needless to say, he didn’t return my phone call(s). I blew it with this one. I erased his phone numbers from my cell phone to prevent anymore drunk dialing and moved on. Well ok, that’s kind of a lie, I attacked him at a club and told him he’s my dirty slut and when I call him, I want him in my bed naked within 10 minutes. I was 3 cosmos and 2 Budweiser’s into the night, give me a break I was in a bad place people. A bad, bad place. But after that, I really did erase his numbers and haven’t talked to him since. I was starting to understand the land of cock slowly but surely.
Then came a guy we’ll call Archibald. Archie and I have known each other for a while now. I figured he’d be the perfect specimen to test out Operation Think With Imaginary Penis (OTIP). I had it all planned out. I’d have him take me to dinner and then make him give me multiple orgasms then leave him to finish himself off. He asked me to go away with him on a Saturday night. I asked him where and he said he’d surprise me. I had told Archie a couple of days before how much I loved Atlantic City so I automatically assumed he was taking me there. Wrong. We wound up at a Marriott in East Hanover. I snuck in a call to my best friend and she cooed with delight. “Is it nice? All Courtyard Marriott’s are really nice.” And it was, our room was beautiful but still, he’s supposed to be The Ho not me. Then I realized that the woman in me was shining through yet again. I wanted to be wined and dined, not taken out to the boonies and fucked. He must have realized my disappointment because at dinner, he asked me where all my friends were going to be tonight. I told him about the celebration for a friend’s birthday back in Bergen County and we were on 287 before you could say ManWhore.
This would be mistake number 3. Apparently while I was shakin’ my groove thing and downing shots of Soco and lime, my friends spent the evening telling Archie what a wonderful person I am and how much they love me. While this flatters me to no end, it also glorified me to Archibald and now he calls me 4 times a day and sends me stuffed animals in the mail. While the female Denise would love this kind of attention, the male Denise wants to file for a restraining order. Oh, and my night of multiple orgasms you ask? Let’s just say waking up with a pounding headache and a bottle of Astroglide stuck to my right leg didn’t make me squeal with pleasure. I even had to have “the talk” with poor Archie. I’d never had to give this speech before but believe me I’ve heard it a couple of times. It went kind of like this: “While I think you’re a great person, I just got out of a bad relationship and don’t want to get into another one. You should know that I’m seeing other people.”
Archibald was crushed. He couldn’t believe a playa such as him was being played. I felt like a million bucks. I even readjusted what would be my testicles after I got off the phone with him. It didn’t really work though, Archibald is showing his affections more now than ever. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like the attention. He really likes me and I like him too, just not enough, but I figure men are always keeping us on the back burner for when they need to feel loved and appreciated. So fuck it, Archie has become my back up bitch. I don’t have sex with him he’s just an emotional filler. Which led me to the light at the end of the tunnel. I can have my cake and fuck it too. I can satisfy my emotional needs with a guy that I don’t want a physical relationship with and have a physical relationship with, well…. Basically anyone I want. Let’s face it, girls can get laid no matter what.
So while I still cry at the end of Terms of Endearment, I’m also handcuffing guys to my headboard while they beg me to get my finger out of their asshole. Mind you, I’ve only been doing this for 2 months now so I’ve still got a couple of kinks to work out. Like what to do when the emotional filler and the vagina filler talk for an hour at your kegger. Call me a slut, playa haters, but the fact is I’m living the American Dream minus the mortgage and the dog and well everything except the love and the sex and besides food and water, that’s all you need in this crazy fucked up world.
Last edited by DaveSZ on Feb-26-2003 at 19:59
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IMHOP she needs some counseling with a therapist. This type of animosity towards men usually comes from childhood sexual abuse or when dad abandons the family. 
