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Some Jokes I Made Up
heres a compilation of jokes i made up in the space of an hour on another messageboard. hope you enjoy them.
there were 2 salmon swimming up a stream
and the first salmon said to the second
"why are we doing this, im tired"
and the second salmon said
"so am i, i was only following you"
there were two little boys in a sweet shop
and one put his hand into the sweet jar and got caught
then the other boy said the the first boy
"shall i tell mummy?"
and the first boy said "no, mummys in the burns unit"
there were three birds on a branch on the biggest tree on the biggest hill in the land
the first bird went "caaaaaaw caaaaaaw i found a diamond ring today"
and the the second bird went "caaaaaaaw caaaaaaaw i got a pearl necklace today!"
and they both congratulated each other and looked to the third bird to see what it had got.
the third bird didnt say anything because it was actually a stuffed bird.
there were 2 maggots feeding on a dead human
the firsat maggot said
"mmmmm i love humans when theyre freshly dead"
and the second maggot said
"mmmmmm me too, this is great nosh"
and then the first maggot replied
"that jamie oliver is a great cook
there were 2 penises right
well the first one said the the othe
"last night was brilliant, i was at it for 2 hours"
and he second penis said
"thats nothing, i maged it for 4 hours!
and the first penis said
"man you must have been tired"
and then they both smiled happily as the archie from corrie closed the coffin on them
there were 2 chimneys smoking away
and the first chimney said to the little one
"phew im all smoked out"
and the little chimney said
"aye, fúcking stoned as well like"
the little boy waited ages and ages for his birthday, almost a year infact. the big day had arrived and the little boy ran down the stairs and ran into the living room where all his mates and parents shouted "SURPRIIIIIIIISE"
and the little boy keeled right over there and then and died due to his weak heart condition
2 old women were sitting on a park bench feeding the ducks some bread and delighted as the ducks eventually started eating out of their hands but one woman got more attention than the other
so the first woman said
"ehtel, how do you do it, whats your secret?"
and ethel said
"martha, you know thats my secret but if i tell yuo, you mustnt tell anyone"
so marth leaned over and listened carefully to ethels words
ethel whispered
"ive a baguette stuck my my fanny"
there was this big crowd gathered outside city hall listening to this politician rant on and on about low pay for firemen.
there were 3 firemen friends standing in the crowd and the first fireman said
"i cant believe they offer us so little pay"
and the second fireman agreed with him and added
"aye, im risking my life so i can save children and families from harm"
and the third fireman said
"who... what?? what am i doing here? im a milkman!"
the mourners cried as they buried poor fred.
at the wake three friends gathered and they were talking about the fond memories of fred
the first friend said
"fred was a kind man, so gentle hearted, he loved playing with the children"
and the second friend said "yes he was always good with children, especially that young timmys birthday party, he really changed timmy"
and the third friend said "aye, a good cóck up the bumwill change anyone"
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