This is for those who want to laugh ONLY!
Here are my favourites "intelligent thinking" jokes. Let me know which ones you liked, not which ones you've heard of before. Thank you for your co-operation.
I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my eye-glasses ran out ....
One time the power went out in my house. Fortunately my camera had a flash. I went to make a peanut butter sandwich & took 65 pictures of my kitchen.
Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.
I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but u couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it. [If a tree falls in a forest ... ]
I've been writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
A bank said "24 Hr Banking", but I don't have that much time.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
Today I dialed a wrong #... The person said, "Hello?" & I said, "Hi, can I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi. The movie cost me $350.
I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had to be going 100Km by the end of my driveway.
He couldn't repair my brakes, so he made my horn louder.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
Do they give pilots crash courses in flight school?
I like to leave messages before the beep.
I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
Cross country skiing is great, if you live in a small country.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower & I agreed, so long as he didn't take it out of my yard.
A computer once beat me @ chess, but it was no match 4 me @ kick boxing.
There was a 194-car crash in L.A. Lukily, the guy in the 1st car was still able to complete his cell phone call.
While driving I had an accident with a magician. It wasn't my fault, the guy came out of nowhere.
When I was younger, I used to have a photographic memory. Now it takes 3 hours to develop.
U know your getting older when the candles cost more than the cake.
I like beer. On occasion, I will even drink beer to celebrate a major event such as the fall of communism or the fact that the refridgerator is still working.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
I told my landlord I want to live in a more expensive apartment. He raised the rent.
An aquarium is like a lava lamp with feces.
A tent is not a good place 4 an argument. I tried to walk out on her & had to slam the flap.
I met my wife in a bar. What a surprise; I thought she was at home watching the kids.
Standards of beauty have changed. If Mona Lisa went into a modeling agency today, they'd say, "Sorry, we don't need a janitor."
I wrote a book under a pen name: Bic.
I'm not going to breastfeed. I've put this off for so long, I'm sure my milk has expired.
I know a lot about cars. I can look @ a car's headlights & tell u exactly which way it's coming.
My childhood was kind of a blur, to tell the truth. I needed better glasses.
My kid drives me nuts. For 3 years now he goes to a private school. He won't tell me where it is.
Here's a money-saving tip for Christmas: glue a jujube on a brick & mail it out as a fruitcake.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus. Unfortunately, so did my parents. So I never got anything.
Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I saw a personal ad that looked interesting. It said she loved long walks, running on the beach, going to parks. As it turns out, she was a German shepherd.
The dentist told me I grind my teeth at night, so now before I go to sleep I fill my mouth with hot water & coffee beans & set my alarm for 7:30am.
The enviroment is screwed up, but u can still have fun. I'm going brown-water rafting this summer.
I bought a 3-piece bikini. It's a top, a bottom, & a blindfold 4 u.
My dad still drives @ 89: "What red light? What open drawbridge? Why is there a baby carriage on the hood?"
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Women are like parking spots…all the good ones are taken…and the rest are handicapped.
I don't know about you, but with all I've been reading lately about the side effects of smoking, I've finally decided to give up reading.
If your parents don't have children, chances are, you won't either…
God said "let there be light!" then he separated the light from the dark & did two loads of laundry.
What do u & ur spouse have in common? a) same moral values b) like Chinese food c) we are both carbon-based life-forms
In golf you wear pants so ugly that they have to be manufactured by blind people in dark rooms.
When it was my turn, we'd drive the golf cart to wherever I last hit my ball, which sometimes meant taking the interstate highway.
My boy, get in there & play like you did last game. I've got $50 bet on the other team.
You've got a brain of a 4 year old boy, & I bet he was glad to get rid of it.
All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.
Mini-Me, if I ever lost you, I would be very upset. I would cry for about 10min, then get another clone. But there would still be that 10min period.
Death should not be seen as the end, but as a very effective way to cut down expenses.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
How should I know my birthday? I can't remember, I was just a little baby.
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Whenever you go and buy something, you are affecting someone somewhere, be it environment, a person, or a community - you're making a statement with what you buy. So make it a smart choice ... Its a big picture
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