We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from NZ), & although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to & moan about it whenever we bloody like. We are One Nation but divided into many states.

First, there's VIC, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. VIC is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day, & big horse races. It's capital is Melbourne. whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it's too bloody cold & wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly & millions of dancing queens. Its' capital Sydney, has more queens than any other city in the world & is proud of it. Its' mascots are Bondi lifesavers that pull their speedos up their cracks to keep the left & right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have TAS a state based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces.

SA, is the province of half-decent reds, a fesitval of foreigners and bizzare axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively re-use country bank vaults & barrels as in Snowtown, just out of of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One driver to sleep at the wheel.

WA is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving becuase if it did, all the men would get erections on th bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts & many of them still work there in the government & business.

The NT is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, Jackaroos, emus, Uluru & dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet & its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the conetrepiece of our National Culture, few of us live there & the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

And there's QLD. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting the God probably made QLD, as its beautiful one day & perfect the next. Why he filled it with heads remains a mystery.

Oh yes & there's Canberra. The less said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by highways, whose treacherous twists & turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a rag tag gaggle IOC officals tells us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political part albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes & still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.

We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude & "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race & still tell us who's winning.

And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby league & union, AFL, roo shooting, two up & horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, & the worst dressed Olympians in the known universe. Only in Australia can a pizza delivery get to your house faster than an Ambulance. Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security guards, or cameras but chain the pens to the desk.

Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea & pissed by lunchtime. even though we might seem a racist , closed minded, sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

I am, you are, we are Australian!

PS:- We also shoot & eat the two animals that are on our National Crest!!!
No other country has this distinction!

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"Dancing is a vertical expression of the horizontal desire"