It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez,
the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

"Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher.
"Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the
people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro:
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed!

Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you
do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the
teacher,
"Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. if you
say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice,

"Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the
floor,someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck"!
The teacher asked "Who said that?
Pedro mutters: "Dick Cheney 2006!"

___________________
Dave (aka: Upgrade- live pa)

quote:

Originally posted by Lightshow i wear sunglasses for the same reason everybody wears them in a club. 1: people look cool in sunglasses 2: it gets awefully bright as the night progresses

*nusty does not wear sunglasses at night, they make it hard to see and you could trip

The Tequila Test

Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,
and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"
Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the
money.."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the
three tests?"
Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man
gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"OK," the bartender says. Here's what you need to do:
First , You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the
whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore
tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third. - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never
reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for
her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I
won't do it!
You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do
those other things..."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he
asks, "Wherez zat tequila?"
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.
Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon
the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on
outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull
yelping and then silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back
into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all
over
his body.
"Now," he says. "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

___________________
Dave (aka: Upgrade- live pa)

quote:

Originally posted by Lightshow i wear sunglasses for the same reason everybody wears them in a club. 1: people look cool in sunglasses 2: it gets awefully bright as the night progresses

*nusty does not wear sunglasses at night, they make it hard to see and you could trip

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there and you say in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you
tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I
know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old
guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room.
As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are
you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into
a crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,"
he said.

The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some
embarrassment in this room full of people. You
should have said there is something wrong with your ear or
something and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in
private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of
others, if the answer could embarrass anyone"

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken
her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The Waiting Room erupted in laughter.

___________________
Dave (aka: Upgrade- live pa)

quote:

Originally posted by Lightshow i wear sunglasses for the same reason everybody wears them in a club. 1: people look cool in sunglasses 2: it gets awefully bright as the night progresses

*nusty does not wear sunglasses at night, they make it hard to see and you could trip

A young, Southern boy goes off to college but about 1/3 way through
the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave
him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education
are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will
teach Ole Blue, our dog, how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in
that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've
implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the
money.

The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find
out that the dog can neither talk nor read, so he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' "

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your mother!"

"I sure did, Daddy!"

"That's my boy!"

___________________
Dave (aka: Upgrade- live pa)

quote:

Originally posted by Lightshow i wear sunglasses for the same reason everybody wears them in a club. 1: people look cool in sunglasses 2: it gets awefully bright as the night progresses

*nusty does not wear sunglasses at night, they make it hard to see and you could trip

One morning Dick Cheney and George W. Bush

Were having breakfast at a Washington restaurant.

The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he

Would like and he replies,

"I'll have a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, sir?" she asks George W.

He replies, "How about a quickie?"

"Why, Mr. President," the waitress says,

"How rude, you're starting to act like

President Clinton!"

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over

To Bush and whispers,

"It's pronounced 'quiche."

___________________
Dave (aka: Upgrade- live pa)

quote:

Originally posted by Lightshow i wear sunglasses for the same reason everybody wears them in a club. 1: people look cool in sunglasses 2: it gets awefully bright as the night progresses

*nusty does not wear sunglasses at night, they make it hard to see and you could trip

just read the first one. good chuckle.

ROFL @ Little Vito.

thanks for sharing ^.~

STRING AND THE SPOON

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an
organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant. The waiter
carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When
the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a
spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the
staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve
our soup, I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the
restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our
processes. After several months of
analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently
dropped utensil. It represents a drop
frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our
personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back
to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to
replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to
the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out
of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters
had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked
off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have
that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so
observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we
can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you
know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the
need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by
76.39 percent. I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it
back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I
use the spoon."

___________________
Dave (aka: Upgrade- live pa)

quote:

Originally posted by Lightshow i wear sunglasses for the same reason everybody wears them in a club. 1: people look cool in sunglasses 2: it gets awefully bright as the night progresses

*nusty does not wear sunglasses at night, they make it hard to see and you could trip

"DO THIS EVERYONE!! ITS TRUE AND IT REALLY WORKS

Send this to 15 people you know in the next 10 minutes to have your true love call you at midnight tonight.
If you dont you will have bad luck forever and everyone will throw their feces at you."

Oh wait, you said "good" email forwards and not gay email chain letters. wooops

___________________
Martin - Trance Religion -

quote:

Originally posted by cyper "DO THIS EVERYONE!! ITS TRUE AND IT REALLY WORKS Send this to 15 people you know in the next 10 minutes to have your true love call you at midnight tonight. If you dont you will have bad luck forever and everyone will throw their feces at you." Oh wait, you said "good" email forwards and not gay email chain letters. wooops

fired.

___________________
Dave (aka: Upgrade- live pa)

quote:

Originally posted by Lightshow i wear sunglasses for the same reason everybody wears them in a club. 1: people look cool in sunglasses 2: it gets awefully bright as the night progresses

*nusty does not wear sunglasses at night, they make it hard to see and you could trip

quote:

Originally posted by nusty fired.

Okay okay. How bout this:

The 86 RULES OF BOOZING

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.

12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.

28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.

32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.

37. Try one new drink each week.

38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.

39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.

40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.

41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.

44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

45. It's okay to drink alone.

46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.

47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.

48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.

49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.

50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.

52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.

53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.

54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.

57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.

58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.

59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.

60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.

61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.

63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.

64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”

67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.

69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.

71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.

72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.

73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.

75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.

77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”

78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.

79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.

82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.

83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.

85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.

86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.

___________________
Martin - Trance Religion -