two whales walk into a bar. the first whale goes "WOOOOOREEEOEOOOO!!!". the second turns to him and says, "shut the fuck up, Frank, you're drunk".

Why did the little girl fall off the swings?

Because she had no arms.

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why did the little strawberry cross the road? because its mother was in a jam

2 gay guys started arguing in a bar, they then went outside and traded blows.

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How many liberals does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

That's not funny.

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Captain Planet is gey.
Water, Fire, Earth, Wind, Heart???
These forces are supposed to combine to create Captain Planet?
Bullshit.
Those forces combine to create a soaking, boiling mudstorm on Valentine's Day.

Two atoms were drinking at a bar

Atom 1 said frantically "oh my, I think I lost an electron!"

Atom 2 replied "are you sure?"

Atom 1: I'm positive

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How do you make a dead baby float?

One scoop ice cream
One scoop dead baby

(more effective with hand gestures)

what kind of file makes something this big ('o') into something this big ('O')?

a pedophile

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what did lincoln say after his 5 day drinking binge? I FREED WHOM!?

What's green and has wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels.

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i'll make my own up to counter that

what's black and has rights?

you know who i'm talking about. i lied about the rights.