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Stupid jokes eh?
How did the telephones get married ?
In a double ring ceremony !
Why did the child study in the aeroplane ?
He wanted a higher education !
Why was the broom late ?
It over swept !
Do you know the time ?
No, we haven't met yet !
What kind of hair do oceans have ?
Wavy !
What runs but never walks ?
Water !
How do you make milk shake ?
Give it a good scare !
Whats red and flies and wobbles at the same time ?
A jelly copter !
Waiter, this soup tastes funny ?
Then why aren't you laughing !
Why did the clock get sick ?
It was run down !
What do you call a woman with a sinking ship on her head?
Mandy Lifeboats!
What do you call a woman with a pint of beer on her head playing snooker?
Beatrix Potter!
What do you call a lion with toothache?
Rory!
What do you call a man with a big truck on his head?
Laurie!
What do you call a man with turf on his head?
Pete!
What do you call the ghost who haunts TV shows?
Phantom of the Oprah!
What kind of illness does Bruce Lee get?
Kung Flu!
What do you call a man who doesn't sink?
Bob!
What do you call a Rodent that has a sword?
A Mouseketeer!
What do you call the bad lion tamer?
Claude Bottom!
What do monsters make with cars?
Traffic Jam
What do you call the elephant witch doctor?
Mumbo Jumbo
Why did the pony cough?
He was a little hoarse!
What do sheep do on sunny days?
Have a baa - baa - cue!
How do you know when a dog has been naughty?
It leaves a little poodle on the carpet!
Where do Aliens keep their sandwiches?
In a Launch box
What do you call the pub on Mars?
A Mars Bar!
Why did the spaceship land outside your bedroom?
I must have left the landing light on
What do you call a vampire that lives in the kitchen?
Spatula!
Why couldn't the skeleton go to the dance?
He had no body to go with! .
If the red house is on the right side and if the blue house is on the left side where's the white house?
Washington DC
What do you get if Batman and Robin get smashed by a steam roller?
Flatman and ribbon.
When is a car not a car?
When it turns into a garage.
And the longer ones:
Saturday morning... Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realises that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" Says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," Says Bob. "Is Mummy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!" "Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!" "Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead." "Oh my god... And what about Uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too." There is a long pause then Bob says, "Swimming pool?....... Is this 8547039?
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Two snakes side by side, one turns to the other and asks: "Are we poisonous?" "Yes I think so," says the other "Oh shit, I've just bitten my tongue"
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A sandwich goes into a bar and says "I'll have a pint of Guinness, please" and the barman says "sorry, we don't serve sandwiches".
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A baby owl says "what! what!" and his mother says "no, it's hoo! hoo!" and the baby owl says "what! what!" and his mother says "no, it's hoo! hoo!" and the baby owl says "what! what!" and his mother says "how many times do I have to tell you, it's hoo, you know, not what, you know".
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A man is on trial for forging a stamp collection and he pleads innocent on the grounds that imitation is the most sincere form of philately.
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When golf first started, one under par was a birdie and two under par was an eagle and three under par was a partridge. Then they had to change the rules because you couldn't get a partridge on a par three.
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A man is walking downtown in Dublin and it starts to rain, so he goes into the Irish Times offices, grabs a few newspapers and starts to wipe his feet with them. The editor sees him and asks him what he is doing and he says "these are the Times that dry men's soles".
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Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.
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A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.....
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
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A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my underpants."
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Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
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"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well........It's not unusual........."
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Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
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Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog's cross-eyed, is >there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
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Two elephants walk off a cliff ...... boom boom!
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, you're right" he said, "the steaks are too high."
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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
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I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week .... and pulled a mussel.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
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