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My first contact with MDMA was so profound that it inspired me to write an experience report and submit it to www.erowid.org, so that others can hear my story. It has been 2 years since I wrote the report, and 3 years since the actual expreience itself. My MDMA use has become more sparse as of late, but each experince is cherished to the outmost degree. With each session I still try to learn to assimilate the drug induced enlightment to my everyday life, and better myself as a result of it. Without further delay, here is the tale:
"This story is about the wonderful healing powers of Ecstasy. It is also a story of human connectiveness, but most of all it is a story of personal rebirth!
To give a short history of personal psychoactive use, I was mostly limited to some weed, and a few LSD trips that were riveting but never too emotionally enriching. Having given up the rave scene for at least 4 years and being 23 I thought that my parting days were all but behind me. Then one day on a summer night of June 2000, I decided to check out this club called 'Meow' here in Toronto, with my buddy Numan and Robin whom I just met at work. It was some time since I've been to a club, (most of my friends sort of all grew out of clubing) I was quite excited to go. Going back to my old routine, I picked up a mickey of rum before the club and downed half of it before getting there. Upon my arrival I had a nice buzz, everything seemed just fine. The music Mark Oliver spun was awesome (the best of trance and progressive), I was having a blast. Unfortunately, 2 hours later at 1:30 my buzz was completely gone and I was craving a high. Everybody around me was having such a great time, and knowing that this club was notorious for Ecstasy and GHB, I decided to give E a shot.
Having researched MDMA before, I knew exactly what I was getting my self into. It was something I was always meaning to try but never got around to doing. Five mintues later Numan brings me this little 'Blue Macintosh' pill, and I swallow it with some water. Just the act of taking the pill brought forth excitement and joy. Every few minutes I glanced down on my watch, but nothing was happening. Finally, after 30 minutes I was convinced that either this pill was fake or I had some weird tolerance to it. Then all of a sudden I began experiencing these butterflys in my stomach (the kind you get when you were a kid and knew you were gonna do something really exciting that day). A couple minutes later, IT HIT ME!! A feeling came over me like none other ever experienced before. Life was wonderful, it was beautiful, it was ecstatic. Words could not explain how I was feeling, to say that 'I was on top of the world' was a gross understatement. I felt waves of universal love and energy rush all through out my body. It was as if I tapped into a collective consciousness with everyone else in the club. For the first time in my life I felt unity so strong that other people became a part of who I was. This feeling surpassed all boundaries of gender, race, and ethnicity.
For sometime prior to this night I wasn't feeling the greatest about my self, not really depressed but unhappy. My sense of self identity and direction was not as developed as I would have liked, and I just had a aura of negativity surrounding me. It almost seems as if all the years in this ever constriciting and neurotic society had desensitized me from living life to the fullest. This night however changed all that, the MDMA was a magical gateway. I was feeling awesome about my self, life was wonderful, it was truly a gift to cherish. I felt a sense of rebirth. A feeling I have not experienced since childhood.
As the E slowly peaked, I was completely mesmerized by this new state of mind. I will never forget standing under a ventilator peaking on E, while 'DJ Tiesto's in Search of Sunrise Remix of Silence' was at its peak. That I truly believe is the closest I ever came to sheer bliss!! I become one with the music, one with the crowd, and one with humanity. I realized what it means to be human, and our role as collective species. True happiness comes with self love and love of others. Without this fundamental truth we can never reach ultimate salvation. This chemically induced, eye opening experience made me realize the potential within me to love life and all its creation.
To progress with the story, I must say that as you would expect after the peak things slowly began returning back to normal. However, the decline was not very linear one, but rather very sudden. One moment I was in heaven and five minutes later as it seemed I was thrown into this world I did not want to come back to. It was a very unwanted experiences. I did not want to return, I kept asking my self why is such bliss possible only with the aid of a chemical. Life is not fair!! I felt like a child ripped from thou mother's arms and thrown into a world of misery and uncertainty. All of life's problems and concerns, abruptly made their presence known once again. Fortunately, amongst this negative experience I realized that I was left with something. A sort of gift that I felt was there to stay even long after the effects of the drug wear off. That gift was the opportunity to peak inside a world where only love, unity, and peace prevailed.
That new found knowledge, I knew would serve as a guide to lead me in a more positive manner with a better outlook on life as well as others. Life can't always be sheer bliss, but it could be made more worthy and fulfilling. If we only take pleasure in the small things in life and cherish those around us, it will definitively become a much better place for us and others to live in. Since that night, roughly a year has elapsed, and I have used Ecstasy about 6 or 7 times. Although none seemed as powerful as the first, each time those same feelings are brought forth to my consciousness and act as a reinforcer to making life more enjoyable. Doing Ecstasy was by far one of, if not the most intense experiences of my life. Since then I have tried to pass that knowledge to all around me. I truly believe that with responsible use, and the right precautions such as antioxidant use as well as tryptophan supplementation, many people can benefit from this wonderful substance. I only wish that the medical health community embraces this wonderful, enlightening cure and use it to conquer fears and problems in troubled individuals. Thank you for reading my story, I can only hope it can inspire you to better youreself as it has done to me."
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"Ohne Musik wäre das Leben ein Irrtum"
"Was ist die Wahrheit? Ein bewegliches Heer von Metaphern"
Friedrich Nietzsche
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Retaining Sanity Thru Music
