[Aboard the Starship Destroyer MKII]

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU NEED ANOTHER SHIPMENT OF TOILET PAPER?! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CARGO SHIP-FULL I SENT YOU A WEEK AGO? I AM NOT IMPRESSED! THIS IS NOT VERY PROFESSIONAL, VADER!

Yes, Master. The Rebel Alliance hijacked that cargo, master. It never reached us safely. We have been tiolet paper-free for two weeks now.

THIS JUST WON'T DO! I AM SORRY. BUT YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO FIND YOUR OWN SUPPLY OF TOILET PAPER YOURSELF. OUR FINANCES ARE BEING EATEN UP WITH WEAPONS RESEARCH AT THE MOMENT. TOILET PAPER IS JUST NOT ON THE AGENDA ANYMORE. TELL YOUR MEN TO JUST USE THEIR HANDS FOR THE MEANTIME.

As you wish. My Lord.

Now. If there is nothing else, I shall be getting my beauty sleep now. Being an Emperor is so tiring. Good night, Vader.

Good night. My Lord.

>> click for theme music <<

[Aboard the startrooper transporter]

1 To arouse your interest a little bit, let me quote some text from this "Idiot's Guide To Cunnilingus":

(1) First set the scene by dimming the lights and lighting a few candles. Some aromatic oils and incense can also help, but first ensure that your partner won't be allergic to these mood enhancers. There's nothing more off-putting than a nose irritation or itchy skin.

(2) The precursor to an awesome night of wild sex is the arousal stage, which we all know as foreplay.

definition: foreplay [fawrplay] n sexual stimulation preceding intercourse.

The guys reading this article should memorise the above definition because frankly, you really don't have a clue...

2 I'm getting horny already, hehe.

1 Foreplay is not just a few hugs and kisses here and there. In fact it includes the whole evening prior to sexual intercourse. The dinner, the conversations, the intimate moments, the prasies of admiration. These are all important and essential steps to getting your partner in the right mood. We don't have room in this article to go into too much detail, for extra information Vogue readers should order the following back issues...

3 That magazine is too commercial.

1 Will you guys stop interrupting! That is precisely the point that this article is saying. You should be patient. Be patient with your partner. Don't just hurry into lovemaking like...

2 Have you ever made love, trooper? Even your own mother wouldn't breastfeed you. In fact I don't even recall you ever having a girlfriend.

1 Must you always bring my mother up. Mention her again and I'll knock you silly!

2 O.K. O.K! Jeez. Lighten up! I was only making conversation. If there be somebody needing sex, then that would have to be you.

3 Both of you are farkin' idiots. I'm going to my comatic chamber now. If any of you interrupt my sleep, I'll box both your ears and write a letter of complaint to our supervisor. [leaves the room]

1 I think he be needin' sex more than I do!

2 I couldn't agree more. We still best friends?

1 You betcha!!!

-------------------------

[Back on Earth]

So Mel, how long till we get there? [Mandy is sitting on Mel's shoulder] This is ace! You see the whole world in a totally different perspective as a penguin. It's not as bad as I thought it would be. It's actually loadsa fun. But I do know how to make fun of any situation. That's me, yesiree, Ms. Fun Fun Fun!!! Say, you are pretty quiet, Mel. What's on your mind?

Not much.

I would have guessed. Haha. Seriously, I'm excited. What fun today has been. If only you knew what I've been through, Mel. But let's not spoil the night with my stories, aye? Tell me at least, what are we going to eat at your place? And then what are we going to do?

Not much...

I get it! You want to surprise me, right? O.K. I'll play along. I luv surprises. If there is anybody that likes surprises, then that anybody and everybody is me. Weeeeee, I'm having so much fun. I'm on top of the world!!! Weeeeeee.

Almost there.

>> click for theme music <<

[At the bottomless pits of Hell]

I am so marvelous. I am supreme.
I rule this whole farkin' planet. That's always been my dream.
Lucifer's the name. Causing havoc's my game.
There be no escaping my wrath, once you cross the path.
Hahahahaha!

[Studies his "Book OF Soul Records", turning to the last page which contains Mandy's soul]

This latest acquisition of mine is particularly odd. This soul bears no resemblance to the others. It's quite a rare find. The moment I contained it in my book, I felt a strange tremor around me. Could it have something to do with this soul? Or was it gastritis?

[Closes the book and floats to his portalvision to check the news]

What the f uck is wrong with you? Why won't you work now? I just had you serviced last week? Godamnit!!! I hate technology!!!

[runs the portalvision's self-diagnostic routine]

This software revision has expired. To continue the use of this service, you must upgrade to the latest version. AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

-------------------------

[Aboard the Star Destroyer MKII]

What do you mean she escaped? [huff puff, huff puff]

1 My Lord, I can't really explain it. We had her location narrowed down to DJ Dave PSI's house, but when we got there she vanished. There must be something wrong with our tracking devices.

2 My Lord, quite a few of our gadgets seem to have been malfunctioning. Our communications system wouldn't work, so we had to wait till we boarded the Star Destroyer before we could bring word of the bad news.

3 Even our portalvisions have ceased to function. Something about the software being out of date?! My Lord...

Yes, yes, I know about the portalvisions. I couldn't watch my favourite show last night. Regardless, the Emperor will have your heads! [huff puff, huff puff]

1 2 [swallows saliva in fear]

[Back on Earth]

Such a nice apartment, Mel. Small but quite comfy and cosy. I like your colour schemes too. Hues of grey and marble, gothic yet modern. Lovely, quite lovely, I say!

It was like that when I moved in.

Now, you said you were going to make me dinner, Mel. I'm starving. I am so hungry that I could eat a horse right about now. Now that would be such a funny sight wouldn't it? A penguin eating a horse?! Haha!

I said I was going to make you dinner. [steps towards Mandy]

No! [panick-stricken] You don't mean that you are going to eat me are you? I should have known! If you like eating raw fish, then raw penguins must be a culinary delight. No!!! Get away from me. Get away from me, I say! Help me, please! Somebody help me! Noooooo!!!

-------------------------

[Aboard the Star Destroyer MKII]

3 My Lord, if you'll forgive us, but we have captured one of Mandy's friends, a dj that goes by the name of Dave PSI. He is being interrogated this very second. We also traced Mandy's last phone call to a small city apartment, and have sent troops there to check it out.

Excellent. Make sure that she is captured this time. How hard could it be to capture a helpless little girl?

1 2 3 Yes, my Lord. [leaves the room]

I wonder if it's true? Could this girl really lead us to the oracle? She's a slippery little creature, how could she escape my troopers? I wonder who is helping her? Hmmm, very interesting... I better do some more research.

To do list:

1. Find more toilet paper.
2. Gather more information about Mandy.
3. Shave arse.

It pays to be organised!

>> click for theme music <<

[At the bottomless pits of hell]

Godamn, it is so boring down here. I can't watch my portalvision until I pay the software upgrade. But I can't pay for the upgrade because all of my credit cards are maxed out already.
[floats to one side of the room]

Torturing souls is gettin' a touch bit repetitive. Perhaps I should pay another visit to the above world? I'm dyin' to go to a rave party and pop some magic pills.
[floats to the other side of the room]

Did you know that the first rave party ever held was in my honour? That's right! By a group of Salem witches, dancing naked around the bonfire. Then they were spotted by some horny men who raped and ravaged them. Later on these witches fell pregnant and because they had no husbands, they were burned alive before their babies were even born.
[floats to the centre of the room]

Was I resposible for such evil, you ask? Well, OF COURSE NOT! I am evil and I am cruel! And there is nobody more cunning than I. That, I admit readily. But I only set the scene! Men are responsible for their own actions, and will be punished accordingly.
[floats across the room again]

I deserve a vacation don't I? But I need to justify the travel expenses. Hmmmm. [in deep thought]

[A light tremor shakes the foundations of Hell]

Huh? What the hell is causing that? [looks around and sees nothing]

[The "Book OF Soul Records" magically opens by itself]

Very strange. Very strange indeed. [floats to inspect the "Book OF Soul Records"]

[The "Book OF Soul Records" flicks to Mandy's page]

It must be something to do with the last soul I captured! What was her name again? Oh yes, Mandy.



My yearning for your soul increases the more you catch my eye. But I don't totally own you until the day you die. What makes you so special that you shake the foundations of Hell? There's only one way to find out, only one way to tell.


Wax lyrical, lyrical
Shout loud hystericals
Some people might die
This mission's so critical


I might go insane
If I don't enter the game
So watch me transform
Into human form!

Muahahahahahaha! Muahahahahahahaha!!!

[summons up all his magic powers]

To be continued...

dude you have got to get me that track it was awesome.

my god man you have too much time on your hands