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I found the best one.. 
/////////////////////////////////////// FATMAIL : Evil Mail
//////////////////////////////////////
NEWS: The darkness is falling. The days shorten. The light fades. The chill
creeps in. Winter approaches. And i'm in a fucking foul mood. But don't let
that get in the way of the phantasmogorical array of fun we have on offer at
Chew The Fat this month. It's so exciting I think I may have to rip a small
child's lungs out and wear them as a makeshift mittens.
And what better time to embark on a rampage of angry, nasty and ill-advised
metaphors than when we have EVIL NINE in the house at Chew The Fat. The
irony is, however, that there's only two of them, and they're about as evil
as an effeminate otter. Oh yeah, and Uberzone from the US are coming down
too - breakbeat's axis of evil breathmonsters.
There will, however, be some seriously disturbing scenes at Chew The Fat's
Balearic excursion this month. Visitors to the fair island of Ibiza will
witness a handful of mid-thirties breakbeat DJs stumbling about with coke
dripping out of their noses trying desperately to persuade nubile young
European honeys to spend a chilling, short-lived three minutes of shame
sucking a pastey and emaciated Englishman's penis in a sweaty Ibizan pub
toilet rather than frolicking down the beach with their lithe, bronzed
lothario Spanish boyfriend Juan. Sigh. Yes folks, it's Chew The Fat in
Ibiza - next Wednesday after We Love Sundays at Space on Sunday - funny
that.
PLUS!
Read on for details of the frankly tedious array of nights we've got on
offer, including next month's rinse-out at the key...
PLUS!
Allow me to remove the fucking fork I've just gouged my eye out with to pay
penitence for having to mention the fucking travesty of human endeavour that
is the DJ MAG DJ AWARDS! If you're the kind of social misfit that should
rightly be put down, but manage to justify your existence by ritualistically
following the criminally overpaid talent-voids who still jealously cling to
the top of dance music's financial hierarchy around the country, then
this'll be right up your tree.
The best thing you could do is vote for Paul Arnold: his DJing's pretty
ropey, but in contrast to most of the people who usually win the contest, he
hasn't got a pot to piss in so could really do any kind of vote.
Go to www.djmag.com or text your top 5 to 82200. And let God be your judge.
////////////////////////////////FAT RECORDS - ARTIST
NEWS/////////////////////////
SEPTEMBER - FRIENDLY Album Tour
Saturday 20th September - Budapest
Thursday 25th of September - Eclectic Boogaloo
Friday 26th September - Chew the Fat - The End - London
Saturday 27th September - 2 Bit tv - Norwich
Sunday 28th September - Nuneaton Motorway Service Station
Last week also saw Friendly take up his new weekly residency at Asda in
Peckham, as part of his new modelling contract with George. You can check
him out between 6.30 and 1opm opposite the meat and fish counters playing
the very best in break beats, funk and hip hop to the Peckham massive.
'Checkout' his meaty breaks and fishy mixing.
//////////////////////////////////////FAT IN
IBIZA////////////////////////////////////////////
WED 24th SEPT - free party from 12pm
Paul Arnold - now looking about 40
Tayo - now looking like Ice Cube's little sister
David Phillips - now looking at the tatters of his life
DJ Jeremy Norris - now looking as obscure as he did the last time i wrote
this stupid mailout
UNDERGROUND
CTRA San Antonio KM7
San Rafael
Ibiza 07816.
+++++++++CHEW THE FAT -DATES FOR YOUR DIARY ++++++++++
FRIDAY NIGHT!!
/////////////////////////CHEW THE FAT @ THE BUG BAR - FRI 19TH
SEPT///////////////
Uberzone - U.S.A - in the zone
Evil 9 decks n fx - getting live in the place
Urban Gorilla dj's - Sheffield - > wallowing in their own monkey-shit
Paul Arnold - wallowing in self-pity
8pm - 3 am @ The Bug Bar, St. Matthew's Church, Brixton
FREE/£4/£6
Surprise Surprise! It's another breakbeat night. For more info Phone Cilla f
ucking Black on 07815 976572
//////////////////////CHEW THE FAT @ THE END FRIDAY 26TH
SEPT//////////////////
We wish it would just 'End'...
10 Sui - crispy fried noodles
Paul Arnold - minging fried chicken
Friendly - bland cold turkey
@ The End, WC1, 10 pm - 6 am
£10/ £8 concessions
/////////////////////////CHEW THE FAT @ THE BUG BAR - FRI 17TH
OCT///////////////
Special Guest (to be condemned)
Len Lewis Live - boxing clever
Paul Arnold - as dumb as a box of masturbating otters
8pm - 3 am @ The Bug Bar, St. Matthew's Church, Brixton
FREE/£4/£6
////////////////////////////////////CHEW THE FAT AT THE KEY - SAT 18TH
OCTOBER////////////////////
A misleadingly packaged night of DJ battles. Which basically means one DJ
plays a record while the other hoofs gak in the toilets, and then they
swap...
starring
THE STANTON WARRIORS VS F.C. KAHUNA
PAUL ARNOLD VS FRIENDLY
BIG DADDY v GIANT HAYSTACKS
GODZILLA V KING KONG
THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR V JAKE THE SNAKE
MIKE TYSON V FRANK BRUNO
etc, etc
10pm - 6am @ The Key,
Lazer Rd, Goods Yard, off York Way Kings Cross N1>
£7 Before Midnight / £10 After
/////////////////////////////////////WAREOUSE
PARTY/////////////////////////////////////
Newsflash! Warehouse action in South London is coming up - with Tayo and
Arnold foregoing their lust for commercial success and doing something
underground:
it's called Phat Skills, it's on 4th October and you can find out more by
emailing [email protected][/email]
/////////////////////////////////////COMPETITION
TIME/////////////////////////////////////
To win an embarrasingly weak stockingfiller of a prize, please answer this
tantalising titty-twister:
Who deservedly won the last DJ Mag awards?
a) DJ Tiesto
b) DJ Testicle
c) DJ Testosterone
d) DJ Tired as fuck
Email your answer to [email][email protected] with your name, age, phone number,
credit card details and a short sentence explaining where the justice is in
this world when someone as talentless as Tiesto gets paid thousands of
pounds for playing pure cockrot while I'm stuck stuck here behind my
computer getting paid sweet diddly squat for writing the same old bullshit
for a bunch of morons who'd laugh at anything.
/////////////////////////////////////GOODBYE////////////////////////////////
/////
Please, please someone make this stop. I will pay money.
The Fat Boys x
TO UNSUBSCRIBE, KILL YOURSELF IMMEDIATELY
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