Peter: Lois, you've got a sick mind!
Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter: Oh, I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.

Chris: Dad, what's the blow-hole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.

Meg: I just want to kill myself I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
(Lois and Peter stare in silence)
Meg: I'm alergic to peanuts.
(Peter and Lois keep staring)
Meg: You dont know anything about me. (runs upstairs)
Peter: Who was that guy?

** And now for the finale:

Peter:Brian do they know whats wrong with you?
Brian:yeah, I'm in love.
Peter:O my God, you can talk
(Peter just stares at Brain)