a confession from a nonintellegent PDF reader that probably none of you can be arsed to read:

i'm usually in here reading all the threads on this forum, but i'm extremely afraid of expressing my opinions out of fear of being flamed... the root of this fear comes from my lifelong fear of being stupid...

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Last edited by Itarillë on Apr-01-2005 at 21:36

Oh and another thing I do: I like going to the beach but I generally don't like getting into the water (getting into the water as in going out to where the water is more than waist deep). This is because I have a fear of what I can't see underneath or around me. I would be freaked out if you put me bobbing out in the ocean in the middle of nowhere.

What makes it especially nutty is that I love scuba diving. I still don't like bobbing on the surface when I'm diving, (being able to see beneath and around me with the mask helps somewhat) but once I start descending I'm in my element and I don't have that "vulnerable at the surface" feeling anymore.

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Retro ...

Since my cousin's death in November which was a shock to everyone, that everytime my cell rings (I got the news on the phone) and I see my home number I get scared and my heart accelerates. I'm constantly scared that something is going to happen to a family member, especially my dad for some reason, don't know why.
It's not that bad anymore, but damn, sometimes it's really scary...

I was dreaming of gigantic Monster Doves the other night. They were grabbing me by my hands with their feet from the air and slamming me against the Stephansdom which is the biggest church in Vienna. I feel uncomfortable next to doves ever since.

I often find myself talking to myself, epsecially when I comment things I'm watching on TV.

I seem to have huge fluctuations of eloquence, intelligence, humor and creativity between different days and usually between nighttime and morning.

Sometimes I'm having an inner struggle between the part of me that enjoys pittying myself and the one that considers this a weakness.

I only enjoy kisses in retrospective.

I find girls who openly show interest in me to some extent repelling. I'm still wondering whether the reason is exaggerated or insufficient self-confidence.

Coffee often causes me feeling sick.

Last but not least, THE least rational behavior I'm currently observing: I start accepting Hip Hop / RnB as appropiate party music. Then again it might be the vodka red bull's fault.

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I was reading this thread earlier....and i couldnt think of anything....so i went through the day and a couple of things came up,because i was auctually doing them and then it dawned on me some of the irrational things i do....

First off i go around with a permenent calculator in my head...im allways calculating...adding up subtracting...working out odds and differences.....if i go grocery shopping(as i did this evening..and thats when it dawned on me)i usually spend about 150 Euro...but from the time i pick up the first item i start calculating...and just keep on going until i have everything i need...and usually to the Euro i know how much the bill is going to be when i get to the checkout....its not meaness or a budget i stick to...its just something i do all the time...i dont even think about it,i just do it automatically....

Apparently compulsive gamblers do the same thing...but i dont gamble..

Another thing i do is never ever leave my house without money in my pocket,even if only walking around the block with no intention of going to a shop...i feel naked without it...or as if something is wrong.......

I guess the only fear i would have is being afraid of dogs,and this a real fear for me,i dont trust them.....even friendly Fidos wagging their tails....i also have a very healthy respect for water and its dangers......

Thats it (i think)

my house is 3 stories, all my family except my sister sleep on the top floor, shes sleeps on the gorund floor. At night if everyone is asleep and my sister is out i cannot walk up the stairs normally, i need to spirnt out of some sort of fear of being grabbed or something.


cant think of anything else, sure theres more though.

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quote:

Originally posted by occrider Oh and another thing I do: I like going to the beach but I generally don't like getting into the water (getting into the water as in going out to where the water is more than waist deep). This is because I have a fear of what I can't see underneath or around me. I would be freaked out if you put me bobbing out in the ocean in the middle of nowhere. What makes it especially nutty is that I love scuba diving.

I'm like that too, but not been scuba diving. It's just the fact that I can't tell what is below the water.

I don't like looking right over the side of high buildings.

Yet I used to fly gliders.

I hate flying unless I've been in the cockpit and met the pilot. And at one point I accepted (had no problems with it just was 100% sure I was going to, I wasn't scared) I was going to die on that flight for no particular reason.

I also dance around on my own a fair bit, and make weird noises/tunes just because I can.

And I tend to think alot (whenever I've nothing else to think about, basicly constantly) about things that have happend before (sometimes years ago, even ten years ago in some cases) and analise the situation and what people were thinking at the time to profile people.

Which is a thing I always do, profiling people. I give them key atributes and strengths and weaknesses. If I find out someone has an atribute I have a problem with I find it relatively easy to cut that person off totally. I just don't see the point in speaking to that person anymore.

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If you can read this, I'm seriously fucking bored.

well I can't think of much, but since Drug_Tito did bring it up, I also had night terrors when I was a kid (5-6 or so). They were a couple different ones, but the one that got me most and the one I still rememebr (I forgot what the other ones were) was much more scarier than a couple triangles and a wolf....

Its hard to describe exactly how terrifiying it was, but you wake up in the middle of the night and you hear this annoying buzzing. You look at the walls and all you see is "TV snow" --- you know that black and white shifting dots on the TV when you can't pick up a channel and you'd hear that insansable TV snow noise, sometimes interrputed with telegraph like cryptic noise. Of course if you put your head under the blanket it would be better, but you'd have to close your eyes or else you could "feel" the TV snow around you outside your blanket.

Anyway this would re-occur at unexpected times, somtimes one day after another, than I could go a couple months, even a year without the event reoccuring and then it would reoccur.

I don't know, its not like it has effected me in any what way now in my older life (I'm not afraid of TVs or such). But the oddest thing is, I'm getting teary eye and sad just writing this recount of event. It's not bothering me --- I mean I can't consciously recall it in detail but it seems like my subconsciounce is connecting with the memory of the terror as it happened then...


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I also do what Zig does, calculating grocerries and what not, but not to that obsessive of state. That means, I just do it on occasion, not all the time. But when I don't do it, I always like to play the game "How much will these grocerries cost me today?" when I come the check-out counter and feel good if I get a answer with in a couple dollars.

When I do calculate and add up things - how much is that building worth, you know how much money that most of cost, etc, its more of a game than anything else.

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Speaking of horror movies, when I first saw ET when I was about 5 it traumatised me. As in, literally traumatised me. We were living in the UK at the time and after watching it I apparently was having nightmares and refusing to sleep for about 6 weeks after it. Looking back, I can only really remember being a bit scared of ET (why I'm not sure) but yeah, apparently it fucked my shit up pretty bad.

Also, while I've never really had a problem with snakes or spiders (you kind of get used to them living in Australia) moths and butterflies kinda freak me out for some reason. It's not like a see one and start running round screaming like a little girl (well, not every time at least... ), but when they land on me or start fluttering around my face it must look pretty comical to other people as they watch me try to frantically swat them away. Don't know where I developed this fear from, or why (I can remember going into the butterfly house at the zoo when I was younger - where you're just in a well-heated room full of thousands of butterflies - so it can't be a phobia I've always had). Oh and speaking of phobias, I used to be terrified of storms. When I was young (younger than about 7) I used to love watching storms, then between the ages of about 7 and 10 I became terrified of them, now I love watching them again. Why? Again, absolutely no idea.

quote:

Originally posted by MisterOpus1 Okay, I got one - I bite my nails down to the friggin' core during very nervous times.

Yeah, I'm a compulsive nail-biter too. It's become even worse since I quit smoking...

quote:

Originally posted by Shakka Oh--and I love to smoke a little pot here and there.

Knew that there was a little bit of hippy in you there somehwere, Shakka...

(Speaking of which, while I still occasionally take other sorts of drugs - namely E and speed - I've always disliked marijuana. I don't like the effects, the smell, or anything associated with it.)

quote:

Originally posted by TranceGiant I find girls who openly show interest in me to some extent repelling. I'm still wondering whether the reason is exaggerated or insufficient self-confidence.

I'm actually the opposite. Virtually every relationship / one-night stand / random hook-up I've been involved in has - from memory - been due to the girl approaching me, rather than the other way around. It's not that I'm especially shy, or afraid of rejection, but it's just that I rarely go out looking to pick-up either and lack the patience to stand there trying to "woo" a girl by talking about complete shit with her for two hours over shitty r&b music. The last girlfriend I had, for instance, approached me during at 5.30am during a Phil K closing set because she'd remembered seeing me at some another night about a month earlier. The last girl I slept with sat down next to my friend and I while we were at the pub, after overhearing a pretty meaty political discussion that we were having. (See? A comprehensive knowledge of current events and political theory can get you laid... )

Oh and speaking of relationships, I generally don't enjoy being in them. They're kinda fun for the first month or so while the novelty is still there, but then I start to feel somewhat trapped and worry about what I'm missing out on while involved in the commitment. Like I said, I hate talking on the phone and I also generally hate having conversations just for the sake of warding off awkward silence, which makes things difficult if you're trying to keep a girlfriend. I think I'm yet to have a relationship longer than three months and generally try to look for casual, non-commital relationships simply because I tend to find that having a girlfriend is more of a burden than a benefit. Maybe I just haven't "found the right girl" but I can't ever see myself getting married for this very reason.

Anyway, I guess that's about it. Jesus, I never realised how utterly riddled with neuroses I was until now...

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I also hate phones, but I love the dark.

ooh airplanes...

i had a one year (or trip) episode with airplanes, where i had to wear solid shoes, like sneakers rather than flip flops because if the plane crashed i wanted my feet in whole pieces.

where i justified not losing toes over possibly dying upon crash or losing the foot, i dunno.

and i dont worry about that anymore...heh|

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