|
Jeff murdoch is the best television charachter ever...
| quote: |
Porn Buddies
The concept of porn buddies is introduced in episode 1x01 - Flushed and is one of the first indiciations that we are dealing with a man whose perspective on life is not only different, but often externally verbalized. While at work Susan asks if Jeff knows Steve well, Jeff says that they are porn buddies. Porn buddies are very close friends who have promised each other that in the event of the other's sudden death, the survivor will rush over to the deceased's home and remove all of their pornography before parents or other loved ones can find it. The survivor, of course, will get to keep the porn he has retrieved.
This is a transcript of the scene:
* Susan: That er, that Steve guy; how well do you know him? Are you close?
* Jeff: Close? We’re porn buddies!
* Susan: Porn buddies?
* Jeff: Oh, yeah.
* Susan: Is this code? Were you in prison together or something?
* Jeff: No, no, no it’s simple; it’s a safety precaution, like a scuba driver swims with a buddy in case he runs out of air.
* Susan: Okay, okay. Are you telling me that a porn buddy stands by with oxygen?
* Jeff: No. Many years ago, me and Steve exchanged house keys--
* Susan: Are you sure this isn’t code?
* Jeff: It isn’t code.
* Susan: Alright.
* Jeff: In the event of Steve’s death the first thing I would do --upset though I will be-- is go straight to his house and remove all the pornography before his parents can find it.
* Susan: You're kidding!
* Jeff: And he’s pledged to do the same for me. That’s how close we are!
* Susan: You two have seriously made plans to destroy each other's dirty mags?
* Jeff: Who said, "destroy?" Remove.
* Susan: You wouldn’t keep them?
* Jeff: It’s a perk.
* Susan: Oh, Jeff.
* Jeff: That’s the beauty of it, you see. Your best friend's dead, but there's a bright side!
[edit]
The Giggle Loop
The giggle loop is a state of mind that occurs during moments of solemnity (and generally, of silence). It is, more than anything else, a case of incredibly bad timing. Jeff's standard illustration of the giggle loop is that of stacking pint glasses in a tower; each pint representing one iteration of the loop, and the eventual fall and costly breakage representing the giggler's credibility.
This is a transcript of the scene:
* Jeff: You're not ready for the giggle loop. Basically, it's like a feedback loop, you're somewhere quiet, there's people... it's a solemn occasion, a wedding!... No, it's a minute's silence for someone who's died!
* Steve: Right?
* Jeff: Minute's silence, ticking away... the giggle loop begins! Suddenly, out of nowhere this thought comes into your head, the worst thing you could possibly do during a minute's silence is laugh! As soon as you think that, you almost do laugh! Automatic reaction! But you don't... you control yourself! You're fine! But then you think how terrible it would have been if you'd laughed out loud in the middle of a minute's silence and so you nearly do it again! But this time, it's an even bigger laugh. Then you think how awful this bigger laugh would have been, and so you nearly laugh again only this time, it's a very big laugh, let this bastard out and you get whiplash! And suddenly, you're in the middle of this completely silent room, and your shoulders are going like they're drilling the road, and what do you think of this situation? Oh dear Christ - you think it's funny!
[edit]
The Nudity Buffer
The nudity buffer is a term that describes the time span between seeing a (dressed) attractive woman and imagining her naked. After this buffer has elapsed Jeff - and, he supposes, men in general - find it impossible to interact with said woman because they are imagining her naked in the meantime. Jeff specifically "destroyed a water cooler" after attempting to converse after the nudity buffer had expired.
This is a transcript of the scene:
* Jeff: When you first see an attractive woman, you've got a nudity buffer of maybe, 5 minutes before you've fully mapped out what she looks like naked.
* Patrick: A whole 5?
* Jeff: Well, you've got to assess her nipple type, that takes time.
* Patrick: Good point.
[edit]
The Sock Gap
The Sock Gap refers to the finite window in which socks can be safely removed during foreplay without jeopardising one's chance of romantic entanglement. Jeff's advice is that socks should be removed after shoes but before pants. According to Jeff: 'That’s the sock gap. Miss it, and suddenly you’re a naked man in socks. No self-respecting woman will ever let a naked man in socks do the squelchy with her.', a fact with which the show's female contingent were in agreement.
[edit]
Captain Subtext
Captain Subtext is mentioned in episode 2x03 - Her Best Friend's Bottom. He is a mysterious figure who, according to Jeff, "lived in the attic and had secret meetings with my mum". He is equipped with a special "helmet of truth detection" that can process what someone says and extract what they are really saying, i.e. the subtextual message. During Jeff's youth, his mother apparently told him that whenever he told a lie, the captain would know this, and sneak into Jeff's room at night to remove a segment from his penis.
[edit]
The Prickles, The Blurts And The Headlaugh
Also in episode 2x03 - Her Best Friend's Bottom Jeff introduces the concept of the prickles, the blurts and the headlaugh describing the behaviour of people obviously telling a lie: "Stage 1, the prickles - You can feel the prickles starting all over your face. If you just think the word blush, your head will inflate to three times its normal size. And then you realize you're not saying anything. You're stuck on pause. And you've forgotten how to work your face. And the pause is just getting longer and longer and you got to get back on control. Mistake 2, the blurts - Then you are realizing you are speaking too fast and you got to compensate. You got to make it seem all right. That's when you make the biggest mistake - You do the headlaugh."
[edit]
The Melty Man
The melty man is the "arch-enemy of trouser confidence". Jeff describes him in episode 2x04 - The Melty Man Cometh as "Darth Vader ... without the helmet." He is the entity that causes men to lose their erections when they are in bed with a woman, by making them think too much about what they are doing and if they are doing it right. According to Jeff and Steve who, uniquely, agrees with Jeff about this character, you can't say his name, or even think about him, without him coming to "do his evil work inside your terrified pants".
[edit]
N.A.T.
N.A.T. stands for "Nose Avoidance Tilting" and refers to the slight tilting of the head two people may unconsciously perform while standing opposite each other when there is an attraction between them, as if preparing for a French kiss. N.A.T., brought up by Jeff in episode 2x08 - Naked, is a sure sign that someone's interested in you, yet Jeff finds himself unable to act on the hint when he experiences it with Julia in that episode.
Jeff: N.A.T. The first step along the path to the forest of woman, the first signpost along the road to intimate squelchy.
[edit]
V.A.A.
V.A.A. stands for "Visual Access Angle" and applies to all skirts. All you have to do is tilt your head, change seats, or accidentally fall on the floor, and there is a clear line of sight between you and 'base camp' - that is, the woman's underwear (assuming said items are being worn).
[edit]
Porn Jelly
Porn Jelly is the jelly (jello in the US) that is left over at the end of a woman's jelly wrestling contest. Jeff invents the concept in episode 3x04 - Remember This, completely out of the blue (the conversation was about something else entirely). Through Porn Jelly, according to Jeff, "The human race's two most favourite things meet at last ... in dessert form!". He reckons it's a missed opportunity to just throw the jelly away. Instead, it could be bottled and sold - "There's a lot of lonely people out there, Steve. What do lonely people enjoy? Puddings and porn. Now, for all your needs, pudding porn. It's a girlfriend in a jar. Except it's jelly."
[edit]
Quotes
* 'Women remember, Steve. It's like they've got minds of their own.'
* 'Oh, wouldn’t that be great...being a lesbian. All the advantages of being a man, but with less embarrassing genitals.'
* 'I hold in my hands the key to the gates of paradise, but I've got too many legs'
* 'All of us in our time are visited by the Melty Man...Don’t say his name, Patrick. Don’t even think his name, or he will rise from the shadow dimensions to do his evil work inside your terrified pants.'
* 'Maybe women are completely different when we’re not with them. Maybe they’re not cross all the time.'
* 'Having a girlfriend is like legalized sex.'
* 'Sex can be very stressful for men. You judge us on technique, sensitivity, stamina...we're just happy if you're naked...half naked...one breast...'
* 'Steve, you know what the sentence of death is don't you? I don't mean the sentence of death like in executions and stuff, I mean the scary one. Just five words Steve. Five little words, and once they come out, they can't be put back..."Where Is This Relationship Going"?'
* 'I am grappling with the most ancient dilemma of man. She likes me, but which end?'
* 'It's funny watching you putting your clothes on. It's like the opposite of good.'
* 'There's a supermodel who shags total prats and I don't know where she lives!'
|
sorry for the long post.. but read it - you will laugh
|
