quote:

Originally posted by DJFreaq What do you do when everything feels futile. When you don't like the stuff you like. When you start posting on shitty COR threads. Oh nevermind.

have Icecream orrrr iced cap and listen to "It's a beautiful life" by ACE OF BASE. try to dance alittle too..it always helps ENJOY!

Do you find yourself feeling this way around this time of the year a lot? Could be a seasonal disorder where you're not getting the necessary amount of sunlight.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Season...ective_disorder

But don't go thinking you have a disorder right away, I hate that mental placebo shit. Might just be a case of reasoning to make you feel better!








I don't know what to write here.

...but I definitely know what you're talking about. I'm really sorry that knowing that other people feel the same way you do doesn't necessarily make things better in the least - doesn't even give you a false sense of "feeling" better most times. :/

If it's any consolation though - these sorts of things tend to pass, and one day you will look back at this time and say "wow, I'm glad that things changed". So maybe it's just a matter of rearranging things in your life - even stupid, little things that seem everyday and mundane. And god do I really fucking hate it when people suggest things like "why don't you take up piano lessons? or tap-dancing?? wouldn't that be just ZANY enough to make you feel better about life???!" Because that sort of rehashed bullshit motivation never seems to work on me. Try changing your lampshades or start drinking a different brand of soda - change something up a bit. I find that when I feel all shitty and hazy about the state of things, it helps to think about the future a bit - not sure why, but to me, what I am *going* to do is almost always more fascinating than what I am doing at the moment. Maybe I'm just hard to please like that or something.

It seems like the happiest times of my life were when I was exploring something new, even if it was dumb, but taking a genuine interest in something and experiencing it for the first time. Those were the times I created the most memories, and was too busy with being interested with my life to feel depressed. Being is never enough, you have to live - sometimes though, living isn't enough, you have to really take a deep breath and reassess things - take a step back and make some changes.

Anyways, I won't wish you "the best of luck" because I don't think you really give a shit about luck. However, I do think that you will feel better in time.

___________________
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

quote:

Originally posted by DJFreaq Yea. It was.

I meant for Jenny standards. :P

___________________
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

It blows my mind. I've known about season depression for a long long time. And I've always known that to be a factor. But it's all year round.

I do things obsessively. I am always changing a setting deleting a file, reformatting again and again. I have this feeling that. Eventually if everything is "just so" I'll be able to be happy. Granted you don't see me washing my hand obsessively.

Fuck. You know what it feels like. It feels like whatever bit of depression, or obsessive-compulsive behavoir I do have. It feels minimal. Or it feels like I'm being a big baby about it. Other peoples problems can be worse. Why am I wasting time worying about mine. I should be happy. My parents love my, my siter loves me, my fiance loves me, my friends .... "love" me I guess... they'd be sad if I died anyway. Im not sure that's love but whatever.

Somtimes the most interesting things can change my experince. Like right now I am typing with my eyes completely closed. Doing this is totally instinctive. Sure I might bungle up some words, but more than anything else I am not concentrating on anything buy what im typing. And to be honest I can type really fast when I do this. And it's strange, but it almost makes me feel happier. I am doing this one behavior pattern. This one task. And for some reason, just feeling the keys, and hearing how fast my fingers are moving on the kyeaoard gives me a strange bit of satisfaction.

I think that has to be some kind of obsession.

Then again I clean my room, I clean my room, and I still feel trapped by everything. But my room is never spotless, so it's not that bad. See my problems aren't that bad so why am I wrapped up in them. Someone elses life must be more worse of than I am. There are millions of people on this planet that are more intelligent than I.

I go back and forth. Back and forth. I keep thinking "hey I am smart, hey I can do things other can't, hey I can learn faster than most.." shit thinking this. I feel cheap. I feel like I'm being too nice to myself. I loath feeling self-worth. I feel unworthy.

I know these feelings will pass. The stress will pass. People tell me: "get over yourself" "things will get better" "do something different" "change your habits" "stop thinking so gloomy" "focus on something"

"do this"

And I can't. I say I'm going home to write a paper to my fiance. But I don't I don't fucking write it. I worry. I worry I find things to occupy myself with. I do everything I can to NOT do what I need to do.

I obsess. I procrastinate. I rant. I bitch. I worry. I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING DISPLEASED WITH MY OWN BEHAVIOR PATTERNS AND THEN DOING NOTHING TO CHANGE THEM.

Fukck.

___________________
Soundcloud

I know the patterns. I know what you mean and how it feels to know EXACTLY what the fuck is wrong but not having the want or the will to fix it, even if fixing it would be extremely simple, you feel, almost instinctually, that you'd be giving up a part of yourself if you just submitted to something like dealing with your anger or resolving your problems. I find my only way out of this is indulgence in whatever solipsistic distraction that I can find, but that only delays things - you tuck them away and they even don't get worse, but they eat at you anyways.

Wish I had a clear-cut answer for you. Hell, wish I had one for myself a lot. Try involving yourself in something that feels real. Something more visceral and affirming. No, not religion. Pain usually wakes you up. Seek that out. @.@

Ever taken up boxing/martial arts before? Nothing like fighting to make you feel more alive and break the pattern of self-degradation.

And stop listening to other people. Even me.

___________________
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

Sounds good.

___________________
Soundcloud